Why Masturbation is a Mom’s Best Friend

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Why Masturbation is a Mom's Best Friend - holistic Squid

So, I have this friend… she and her husband – happily married – had a couple of kids, and after that she simply had no interest in sex.

Sound familiar?

Sex after pregnancy?



And many, many sleepless nights?


Among my peers (the parents-of-small-children type), the topic of sex – or lack thereof – is popularly lamented. For many women (and some men) the prospect of mustering up the energy to rub naked bodies together after long days of working and/or parenting is hardly appealing. After all, it was that very act which won you the endless nights of disturbed sleep – and the associated bundle of joy – in the first place.

So why bother with sex at all?

Well, as it turns out, sex is an integral part of most healthy marriages.  According to one expert, “There is a feedback relationship in most couples between happiness and having sex…people in sexless marriages were more likely to have considered divorce than those in sexually active marriages.”  Not good news for asexual couples.

Some lucky pairs jump back on the proverbial horse without a hitch. In a recent study published in the Journal of Family Practice, fewer than 20% of participating couples returned to sexual activity in the first month after childbirth. More than 90% had resumed relations by four months after birth. The average time before resuming intercourse was seven weeks. For some women, however, the readiness for intercourse may take much, much longer and a lack of sex can begin to create a strain on a marriage.

In short, physical intimacy seems to be an essential key in successful marriages. This doesn’t always have to include intercourse, and the frequency requirements will vary from couple to couple.

There’s tons of advice out there on how couples can create space for intimacy in their lives – warm bath, glass of wine, weekend away, dim lighting, even scheduled sex dates. But what if you’ve tried all of this and still can’t find your mojo?

The trick to sex after baby? 

Reconnecting with your own body first.

Just like the air masks that fall from a plane’s ceiling if cabin pressure changes, one of the best lessons of motherhood: It is essential that you take care of yourself first before securing the needs of others. This applies to getting rest, eating, and in many cases, this applies to sex too.

When you were pregnant, you grew an entire human. Inside of your body.  Then you birthed that human out of your body. Regardless of your birth experience (natural, intervention-filled, or surgical – blissful or stressful) birth is traumatic. This doesn’t necessarily mean it’s a bad experience, it just means you and your body have been through a powerfully disruptive event. A trauma that each woman needs to recover from in her own unique way and own time.

While becoming a parent is a truly awesome experience – the aftermath of pregnancy and birth – lack of sleep, poor body image, and adjusting to life with a new baby can often feel exhausting and disempowering. Consequently, sex – or the withholding of sex – is one way that a new mom can subconsciously conserve some of her waning power.

Enter the magic of self-touch.

Sex with yourself gives nothing away. Self-pleasure actually gives something back to you and can even help to heal any residual trauma from the birth experience. Over time, masturbation as an awakening of your root chakra. The gift of self-pleasure refills your sexual gas tank, making you more likely to seek out and enjoy sex with your partner.

Three Tips for Exploring Sex after Baby

  1. Start solo – Your baby will learn to walk before she runs, so become acquainted with your own sexual energy again before you attempt to connect with your partner.
  2. Be loving – Life after baby can be filled with delicate emotions and subtle physical sensitivities – tread gently and with patience.
  3. Enjoy! – Without the pressure of performance with a partner, the early days of sex on your own are a time for you to relish in your physicality, your femininity, and your sexual power – despite whatever faults you can find. Cherish a few quiet moments to connect with yourself and show yourself some love.

Sex after baby – easy or challenging?
What are your top tips to new moms wanting to find their mojo?


Photo Credit: Kr. B. 

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  1. Soli Zat Johnson via Facebook says

    I haven’t read this yet but just seeing the title in my blog reader this morning put a big smile on my face.

  2. says

    Great post! Most women I have spoken to simply need to reconnect with their own bodies first. And who wouldn’t after having it taken over for a complete remodel from their new bundle of joy ? Plus, we need to honor the amazing feat that her body just performed – cherishing the stretch marks, the swollen breasts and the soft belly as signs of a strong women’s work well done. It helps when the partner can reframe what our culture has defined as sexual attractive to open up the magical powers of motherhood : )

  3. says

    Great post! I agree with this and think you have presented this topic thoughtfully and tastefully. It’s very important info- sexual health is part of our whole health after all- and this is one of those things that isn’t addressed often because of the possible/partial taboo status. Thanks for posting!

  4. JoAnne says

    Totally relate to all of this. Great article! Top tip for new moms? If you birthed vaginally, try using a dildo first. There can be significant physical pain caused by intercourse while the body is recovering from the trauma of birthing that child, particularly if there was any tearing. A dildo can help you explore how your recovery is coming along, without traumatizing you or your husband in the middle of those first few attempts post-baby. And as this article discusses, help you get back to being more comfortable with your own body, thus more confident in being physical with your partner.

    • Emily K says

      Whether you gave birth naturally or not it is still a traumatic experience to your body. I had to have an emergency C-section and intercourse was still very difficult and painful the few months following. My son just turned 1 and although it hasn’t been painful for some time I still have no drive what so ever which I know has been difficult on my husband. I haven’t had a full night of sleep in over a year so maybe it’s just exhaustion but if anyone else has had this experience and has any other tips I would appreciate them .

  5. says

    Love your open honesty, Emily! You are a wonderful source of whole health. My 2 cents? This is also a good way to relieve menstrual cramps, a headache or a busy brain that is keeping you from a restful night’s sleep.

  6. says

    communication both to myself and husband were key. I have a high sex drive so my desire was there right away, but my body needed time to catch up (though I admit 5 weeks isn’t that long, lol)…. talking to my husband about it really helped. For me it wasn’t the right after but more so the first year after as I navigated the change that my sex life went through with a new baby. Tantra plays a BIG role in my marriage which is essentially committing to communication and being vulnerable with each other no matter what :)

  7. Lynnette says

    Touching/sharing with your partner can be a very healing, and healthy process to help you reconnect with your body. Masturbation, however, is actually extremely damaging. It releases chemicals which are very addicting and emotionally bonding to a fake experience.

    Masturbation [and/or pornography] was once touted by marraige and sex therapy experts as a wonderful tool but new research shows how damaging masturbation [and pornography] really is.

    Doubt this truth… I encourage you to enter into a conversation and connect with Shannon or Dino Watt they can give you the concrete specific info. I forget all the the scientific terms and Shannon & Dino will truly enlighten you.

    Facebook: The Business of Marriage – Creating Million Dollar Marriages
    Website: http://bizofmarriage.com/

    They have truly helpful information, tools, resources.

    • katie says

      I very much agree with you! Masturbation is indeed damaging to us,physically and emotionally. And information is passed along without much research into it. No one is attacking any individuals for masturbation,but please do your own research first and foremost. And speaking personally,a connection and intimacy is much needed for me and my spouse… Nothing else will do. : )

  8. Janae Lukezech via Facebook says

    I am discouraged with this post. I just recommended your site to several people regarding natural living and I really hope they don’t visit your page.

    • jennifer says

      Your comment makes me very sad. Emily’s blog is AMAZING…why wouldn’t you want to share this helpful, compassionate, tastefully written information with all of your friends? Sexual health, especially for women, needs to be discussed much more openly. Far too many women are deprived of help for this. Sounds like you should check out The Vagina Monologues….

  9. says

    Janae – Did you actually read the post? What was discouraging for you? I understand that sex is a sensitive and private topic for many people, but the intention of my post is to help new moms reconnect with intimacy. I think it’s a very important discussion to have, and there’s not a lot of support out there for women who feel disempowered and alone when it comes to sex.

  10. Cecily says

    Great Article but this stat bugged me:
    “In a recent study published in the Journal of Family Practice, fewer than 20% of participating couples returned to sexual activity in the first month after childbirth. More than 90% had resumed relations by four months after birth. The average time before resuming intercourse was seven weeks. ”
    That is the most moronic study…as with a vaginal birth you are not supposed to put anything in your vagina (since you are healing) for at least 6 weeks.
    The purpose of this article is wonderful tho. I have never understood why female masturbation is so taboo, it’s a wonderful thing (after all, no one can love you like you love yourself) and it will also prepare you to tell him what is ok and isn’t while you heal and recover.

    • says

      Cecily – I would agree. For me it was much, much, much longer than 6 weeks before I was ready, but I know a handful of women who felt ready for sex shortly after baby was born! I think the most important take away here is that every woman is different, and that should be honored and nurtured. Thanks for sharing!

  11. Janae Lukezech via Facebook says

    Yes, I read the post. You have the right to post whatever you wish. I understand that. I strongly disagree with your perspective, however. Biblical sex is to to be enjoyed with your husband alone. I think you’re cheating your man if you (or he) are satisfying those desires alone. It takes a lot of communication and unselfish focus but is far more rewarding and conducive to emotional intimacy than just filling a craving.

  12. Janae Lukezech via Facebook says

    If you don’t have a biblical worldview than what I said will probably sound like nonsense. But I’ve experienced that relationship with my husband from both views and the one that makes it mandatory to depend in each other in that realm is far more satisfying and rewarding than just going with your feelings at any given moment. My husband is so sweet and compassionate after our babies and there are more than enough ways to find intimacy together

  13. Janae Lukezech via Facebook says

    in those weeks (months) following childbirth if you have each others best in mind. I think its far more beautiful than just “coping” to get through and builds a bond and trust like no other part of marriage can.

  14. says

    Janae – I respect your opinion and thank you for sharing it, but this post was not about filling a craving for sex outside of your marriage, it was about new moms connecting to and revitalizing their own sexuality so that they can be more present and intimate with their partner.

  15. Amy Kliesch says

    Beautiful, Em! It is my belief that there’s something empowering, and beautiful about knowing what you like and the assisting with ushering your mate back to the playing field after giving birth. It doesn’t mean that things are bad, it just means that women sometimes need a little engine revving before getting back into the drivers seat again!

    Thanks for sharing!

  16. says

    I agree with Janae. Though I have not had children yet. Lack of time can make a sex life suffer in just a marriage alone. Masturbation is like cheating each other out of your needs. It 100% broke our trust with each other and made our relationship with each other and desires for each other worse. Sex is meant to be enjoyed with your soul mate regardless. Like all things in marriage there must be a compromise. If its not the right time for one, then the other must wait. It’s rather simply. Men an women should both understand each other and to do that, it takes alot of communication.

  17. Janae Lukezech via Facebook says

    Alrighty, well I feel sad that we related sex as a type of “empowerment” or control. I thought this blog was about whole foods so I will be more careful before I pass on information to others in the future. I prefer to get my information on sexual matters out of my Bible rather than human opinions or from modern psychology.

  18. Janae Lukezech via Facebook says

    I probably wouldn’t have even bothered commenting if I wasn’t passionate that sexual sin, control, and “personal empowerment” in that area weren’t at the root at some of the greatest tragedies in our world. It breaks my heart to see the harm caused by worldly views of sexuality. Good luck with your blog and helping others. I see your heart and appreciate the desire to inform others of healthier lifestyles.

    • Doireann says

      Have you read Sheet Music by Dr. Leman? It addresses this exact topic, and I’ve found it very helpful. Everyone is different, admittedly, but masturbation can play an essential role in Biblical marriage in the right context.

  19. says

    Just to be clear, my blog is about Real Food and Holistic Health. In my opinion, sexual well-being is also part of holistic health, just like what we eat and how we exercise. I do not post about religion, but it is fair to say I don’t share the same religious convictions of some of my readers. While I don’t plan to write a daily blog post about masturbation as a therapeutic measure, I will continue to share my view points on relevant topics as I see them – if this offends you, my feelings will not be hurt if you unsubscribe and don’t read my site. I am sure there are numerous sites out there filled with content that you won’t find offensive. It’s a big world and there is plenty of room for everyone and their beliefs.

    • says

      I’m perplexed that some readers are posted about being offended by this excellent piece; nothing in Emily’s blog is about a Biblical worldview – she’s an acupuncturist & herbalist, a mom, and an expert on Real Food and natural living. I think if you’re looking to a Real Food and Holistic Health blog for information supporting a specific religious viewpoint, you risk being disappointed, but to say the post is offensive is just out of line. JMTC!

  20. sploff says

    Very interesting and worthwhile post Holistic Kid. Your suggestions are sensitive and totally sensible. Janae Lukezech’s astonishing view will certainly be perplexing to most women. Keep up the good work Emily.

  21. Jessica Semmel via Facebook says

    Is this actually happening?! I’m so saddened to see these self-righteous responses to this post. Sexual sin! Ladies please keep your religious beliefs off my holistic health blog. This is not the place for judgement!

  22. Coyote Vick says

    Kudos. Kudos. Kudos. Well said, you absolutely must take care of yourself before you can take care of others. Masturbation is a wonderfully healing, therapeutic tool. I feel so sad for people who are in relationships where they don’t take they time to learn about their own bodies before learning about another’s. Masturbation is wonderful for my relationship, as it takes the pressure off to perform for others. If my husband wants release and I’m not in the mood, then there’s no pressure for me to perform without enjoyment. He is a big boy and can take care of himself, as can I. Which means when we do come together, it’s because we both want to. And that means it’s very special and intimate. Masturbation for the win!

  23. says

    I am so glad you made this post. As the comments show, sexuality is still way too taboo in our culture and we need to embrace it as a positive force. While I haven’t read it, for some people it may be worthwhile to check out Sex for One by Betty Dodson.

  24. Cassie Mansfield via Facebook says

    I think it has a lot to do with your partner. I struggled with the same negative body image and lack of energy post-partum that many moms do. What got me through it was my husband’s acceptance of the fact that my body was changed- and that it was okay! I don’t have the religious beliefs that some of the above people do, but I think that it might be more important to have new daddies be educated about and accepting of their partner’s new body than to promote masturbation. I have two reasons for thinking this. One, because new dads are generally sex deprived, and it could be negative to the relationship to have their wife masturbate while they remain frustrated, and two, because having a new baby in the house puts a major strain on a marriage already. Having sex, even if it’s slower, more gentle, or whatever, is really the ideal way to try to regain some of that connection that is lost when the new baby comes. Of course different things work for different people, but I think that masturbating is probably not as helpful to getting a good sex life and sexual relationship with your partner back as actually working on it as a team.

  25. says

    For me, masturbation is healing.

    Sometimes, I don’t agree with everything that is in the paper, but I still read it everyday. Sometimes, I don’t agree with everything on the Holistic Kid site, but I also continue to read it every day.

  26. Briana says

    Great article, Emily! Some of these comments though, wow. It makes me sad that women have to feel stifled and shamed into thinking they’re doing something wrong, even as an adult. But actually using the words “cheating”?! That’s silly, c’mon. Cheating with yourself?! And I’m sorry, but I don’t care what beliefs your husband lives by, if you actually believe he’s not ‘taking care of himself’ once in a while…you’re seriously fooling yourself.

  27. Michelle Barnes via Facebook says

    Men do it all the time!! What is it so taboo for women? Geez, if I told my hubby that he was cheating on me every time he did “it” he would burst out laughing!

  28. says

    It seems to me that the religious people who think the masturbation is like cheating and reinforced that opinion with their own experiences, were doing just that, reinforcing an opinion. If you already think that masturbation is cheating, then when you masturbate you will feel like you’re cheating and you will be hurt when your husband masturbates.
    However, if you don’t feel comfortable with sex, masturbation is good practice for opening up with him. You shouldn’t be ignoring your husband’s needs, but no one ever said you should. If you are open with each other, talk, and masturbate (alone, learning about yourself or together, learning about each other) it can help strengthen a relationship. Not everyone can just be happy with sex and only sex.

  29. Andrea Yeager via Facebook says

    sexual health is most definitely part of one’s overall well being, and it’s discussion on a holistic health blog doesn’t offend me at all- kudos to the writer! what offends me is the use of religion to shut down a conversion.

  30. Kendahl @ Our Nourishing Roots says

    I’m glad you bravely took this topic on, Emily. It’s a topic that can feel taboo, especially if you have a religious background or current religious belief system. It can even feel taboo without religion involved at all. That indicates to me that it’s an important topic to work on being open about. So I am glad you brought it up! Hopefully everyone can feel confident as they read (anywhere, really) that they don’t need to agree with everything you write here in order to read your blog in general.

    I happen to agree with you on this post, I think masturbation can be incredibly healing and sex-positive. In marriage, I think it’s best to simply be open with your spouse on this issue. Make sure you communicate with them about your perspective on masturbation, for example. My husband and I do. And post baby, I think masturbation can be very effective at getting your sexual biorhythms back into the swing of things :)

  31. says

    Mad props to you for having the guts to talk about this!! I totally agree with you. And I would like to add, that masturbation is also a huge stress reliever, which any new mom knows, we need big time and anyone with a brain knows is important to your overall health! When I was pregnant, it also helped me with first trimester yuckiness. I was so tired and nauseated and just felt gross, but good ole’ masturbation always made me feel better!

  32. allison says

    How can you expect your partner know what you need if you don’t know what you need? We have to learn about our bodies – I use masturbation to check in and asses where my body is in terms of whether it is open to sex or if it needs to rest/cocoon, for a while longer. If i know that I can’t get it going then I know it is rest time and I can then share that information with my husband. He has such respect for my being able to gauge my body’s needs. Then I can confidently support his fulfilling his own needs if my body is in rest/cocoon mode.
    Yay Emily for putting this topic where it belongs. Men talk of their sexual needs and habits openly, it is good to feel we can do the same.

  33. says

    I think, in a Christian context, when masturbation is used for the purpose of healing emotional and psychological vulnerabilities before presenting yourself to your husband, that can be a healthy thing. It shouldn’t be done in conjunction with fantasy about OTHER men (if you want to fantasize, fantasize about your husband). Your husband should be aware and supportive (perhaps even observing and/or gently participating, once you’re comfortable on your own?) of your “recovery program.” The same rules should apply to the Christian husband, speaking of which. Masturbation, in this context, is more about keeping sex as a joyful and healing experience, rather one fraught with insecurities, resentment, and physical pain. It’s a way to keep the coals alive when there isn’t enough fuel for a raging bonfire. There are plenty of other opportunities when one spouse might need to engage in masturbation (with the full support and knowledge of the other spouse), for instance in the case of a long separation due to work/military, or illness/disability, as an alternative to temptation/dissatisfaction. Of course, couples that choose to engage in a period of celibacy for devotional purposes is also biblical, but those periods–again–should be mutually defined and finite.

  34. Susan says

    Wow! After reading some of the narrow views about sexuality here, it has become much clearer why infidelity has become so common. People have needs and if the wifey is thumping her bible to make her hubby obey, then with each thump on that bible, he will get closer to finding someone who isn’t wound so tight.

    Now, before you all sentence me to an eternity in hell, I am a Christian. But I am also comfortable enough with my spirituality and sexuality to enjoy sex for what it is: a gift between two individuals who love each other. Sex is not evil. Sex is not dirty. And masturbation can be an amazing part of a sexual experience, whether with your spouse – or all by yourself.

    I really thought the medieval thoughts that masturbating makes you a sinner were long behind us. But perhaps there are still mothers out there who tell their kids that playing with yourself will make hair grow on the palms of your hands. How sad. I really doubt when we go to meet out Maker, he will be concerned about the time you masturbated on March 26, 1994. Get over it. Enjoy it. Do it in front of your husband and watch your relationship improve in the bedroom.

  35. Sandy (NZ) says

    Thank you so much for this post, I was worried about if I didn’t feel like returning to sex for ages after the birth, how that would make my husband feel, and how I’d feel like I was failing us as a couple, etc etc. Now I can see a way to reconnect and switch back on my sexual needs if they’ve been swept aside by trying to be a good mother! I have a tendency to put everything I think I have to do first, and running out of energy for sex, if I’m not careful, in normal times!

    I found it really interesting the comment by someone about the dangers of becoming addicted to masturbation over sex. Myself, I resort to masturbation when my husband is away, and while it works great, something’s still missing – oh yea, my husband and the amazing connection we have when we make love together! Absolutely no risk of preferring going solo! :)

  36. andrea says


  37. says

    I don’t know why everyone is making such a big deal. Isn’t masturbation a type of animal?? :)

    I am kidding!! 😀 I can see that I am quite late on this topic. However, I wanted to express my appreciation. By writing this post, you have given permission to women to re-connect with themselves on EVERY level.
    You don’t know what it means, well maybe you do…. but I am a woman who just had her 8th child I’ve been struggling with my libido and weeping because my desires are non-existent!! I adore my husband and although he has been nudging me in the direction of getting to “know myself”, I have resisted. Being raised with very strict Christian parents, I didn’t dare!
    Whether you realize it or not….you have in a weird way given me permission to love myself on ALL levels!!! You know from woman to woman. So, THANK YOU!! God bless you and your message. Anyone who doesn’t hear it for what it is has bigger problems than this!
    Keep up the great work! I am NOW a subscriber :)

    • says

      Leilani – You’re welcome, and thank YOU! I struggled with intimacy after both of my pregnancies, and with the exception of a couple of close girl friends who counseled me on reconnecting with my own body first, I found very little support ‘out there’ on the topic. I am so grateful this post has been helpful for you. Thanks for reading and thanks for the feedback. :)

  38. Rachel says

    Great post! However I think you should have had a truly post partum woman in your picture… No one looks like that so soon after giving birth! :-) I am glad I found your blog and have enjoyed all of your posts!! I would like more info on increasing libido… Why does it vary so much from person to person? One poster above masturbates every day AND has sex every night…!! I’m lucky if I am in the mood once or possibly twice a week!!! Thanks!

  39. jennifer says

    I find the discussion about sexual health being a religious idea completely absurd and one of the reasons why my religious views have so drastically changed over my life. Mental/ physical well being goes hand in hand with sexual well being. Everything in harmony. Your blog has such great balance. It drives me nuts when bible thumpers point out things they find wrong or don’t agree with because someone told them how to feel/act/be…He without sin cast the first stone! I saw this on a bumper sticker and loved it, “Its not God I have a problem with, it’s his followers.” I love your point of views and everything I’ve read on here. Keep up the fabulous job!

  40. Veronica says

    Masturbation is a turn off. It’s always fun with your husband. I wouldn’t do it on my own, I would explore with my husband thats more fun and encouraging. My husband is really patient. 😉

  41. Laura says

    The biblical comments are both hilarious and infuriating. I was raised very conservative Christian, and only in the last few years have extricated myself from it. Mindsets like this are so destructive. I am now a very happy atheist.

    Personally, I had a 4th degree tear, so we didn’t even attempt sex til 14 weeks pp, and even now, nine months pp it is still very uncomfortable at times. My husband is extremely understanding and sweet. I personally did try masturbation because I needed to know what an orgasm would feel like on my extremely compromised pelvic floor muscles. Knowing that the spasms did not hurt gave me confidence that I was healing and made it less scary to try the real thing. I did not try a dildo, as a previous poster suggested, but I can see how that would be helpful. In fact, I believe women are given something like that if they undergo physical therapy post-partum. Doing this in no way harmed my relationship with my husband. I infinitely prefer intercourse to masturbation, but intercourse was A) off-limits for 12 weeks, and B) extremely frightening. The emotions from a traumatic birth take awhile to overcome, as do the physical effects.

    Thank you for this post, Emily. I agree that sexual health is VERY in keeping with a holistic lifestyle, and post partum sex and the struggles that many women have with it is not discussed nearly enough. Everything I read before I had the baby just said simplistic things like “wait six weeks” and “try when you feel ready.” I’m sure they don’t want to scare people, but a lot can change after childbirth (I still feel like things aren’t “in the right place” down there), and especially if you are breastfeeding as well. Don’t listen to the bible-thumpers. They can go f**k themselves (oh wait, they don’t believe in doing that…).

  42. Michelle says

    I read every comment on this post. And the ones I find the most intolerable are the ones putting down the biblical ones. None of the “Christian” responses were attacking in any way. Those moms just disagreed with the post and voiced it. Are women only allowed to voice their opinion if it agrees with the post? Not sure why there are so many attacks on some of the “biblical views”. Sad. It would be better if everyone just respected the view points of others, tried to learn from everyone. Because I’m sure there is something to gain from each of us moms! and if need be- agree to disagree, respectively.

  43. Ash says

    I, myself am not offended by this article at all and I definitely have admiration towards you for posting about such an important, yet sensitive subject. People who are prone to judgement (such as some of the people who commented before me) clearly are afraid to look outside the box and must deal with alot of personal problems…Every person has their own opinion, no one opinion is more right than the other. That is why we are all DIFFERENT. I’m not a sinner because I touch myself to have a deeper connection with my body. Intention is very important in life. Some woman heal themselves and their love lives through masturbation…it’s healthy! It can build self love and help improve marriages… You can say I’m a sinner because of maturation but I won’t call you a sinner for judging others…even though all Christians know only God can judge a person by their actions.

  44. Cari says

    Emily, this post is AWESOME! So is the way you handle confrontation in your comments. Just wanted to send you some love and support. I imagine it can be difficult to stay ‘cool.’ Keep keepin’ it real!

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