Awhile back, I decided to speak up about my experiences with attachment parenting. In short, I was led to believe that this style of parenting was the only way I should raise my babies. I then struggled with co-sleeping and baby wearing – many days, to despair. When I was finally emotionally ready to move beyond attachment parenting, baby sleep training seemed like a daunting task.
Sleep training my first was intense, but by the time baby #2 came along, I was good and ready. I had done my research and had experts on speed dial to help make baby sleep training a success without destroying all of us in the meantime. Whether it was because I was prepared or because I just lucked out with an easy sleeper, we were able to get my little one sleeping through the night by 9 weeks with very few tears shed.
Since then, readers and patients ask me all the time for baby sleep training advice, but to be honest, I certainly don't feel like an expert. So I was super stoked when Devon Clement, founder of Baby Sleep Club, agreed to answer some questions. Devon is a baby sleep training expert whose gentle yet fool-proof approach to baby sleep training instantaneously resonated with me – and I think you'll like it too.
Here's what Devon has to say to help take the fear out of baby sleep training…
Isn't baby sleep training bad for development, confidence, and bonding?
There’s a big difference between a few nights of brief crying while getting used to a new routine, and weeks of misery for everyone. Also, the baby’s age is a huge factor – my strategies for parents of a newborn are very different than those with infants or toddlers.
If we’re talking about age-appropriate baby sleep training, in my experience, families come out on the other side of the brief process with ALL members happier and healthier, and I’ve never seen a baby suffer long-term emotional distress from sleep training done correctly, with confident, loving parents. Most of the time, the amount of crying that’s involved is no more than has happened in the car seat while stuck in traffic, and no one suggests you not use a car seat!
Long-term research shows that there is no developmental difference between kids who were sleep-trained and those who weren’t. There are also MANY detrimental effects from long-term sleep deprivation that naysayers seem to ignore.
Families who are happy with the sleep they’re getting, no matter what that looks like, are generally happier all around and more emotionally healthy than those who aren’t. Moms constantly tell me that they have more patience and positivity for their baby once they’re sleeping well at night, and this is definitely best for baby’s long-term development and confidence.
How do you know when it’s the right time/age to sleep train your baby?
I have three red flags that tell me something needs to change:
#1 – Baby will ONLY fall asleep one way, typically while feeding
Nursing to sleep some or even most of the time is a lovely thing. But if a baby is completely dependent on it, it will be much harder to try anything new down the road. As babies get older it becomes much harder to move them while asleep, at which time a change in habits will be inevitable.
#2 – Bedtime is a “Three Ring Circus”
You nurse the baby, you rock the baby, the baby falls asleep, you lay him down… and he cries. So you start the whole process again. It can take anywhere from a few minutes to several hours before you can finally sneak away.
#3- Mom or Dad is unhappy with the way things are
It doesn’t matter how things are, all that matters is how YOU feel about them. If you want a change, you can make it happen.
As for age, there is really no right or wrong age – you can change unhealthy sleep habits at any age. The younger a baby is, the faster and easier the process will be. But typically, four months is the youngest I recommend a self-soothing approach. Once they’re standing up in the crib, it gets more difficult, and toddlers are a whole other ball of wax.
Can all babies be sleep trained?
You can always do something to change what’s happening. As a rule, I wouldn’t do a hardcore approach in babies with severe reflux, and of course you want to make sure your baby is feeding and growing appropriately before you eliminate night feeds.
Health concerns aside, parents must be emotionally ready. Many times, parents feel forced into sleep training by their pediatrician, friends, mothers, or the internet. If it’s not something you really want, it’s just going to be traumatic for everyone.
Is it possible to get babies on a sleep schedule without having them ‘cry-it-out’?
ABSOLUTELY. With my newborn clients, we start very early with minor things like falling asleep being held or rocked rather than nursing. Making sure parents understand babies’ developmental sleep needs is really helpful as well – a lot of people don’t know that sleep begets sleep, and keeping a baby awake won’t help him sleep longer – it usually has the opposite effect.
If you’re already past the newborn stage and you need to make a change, you can use a gentler method to teach good sleep skills – hardcore “cry it out” is very rarely the only option.
There are lots of experts and books out there on baby sleep training. Do you have a method or methods that you think work best?
The method that will work best for your family is a matter of choice – I’ve seen success with almost all of them. Where I think books and experts fall apart is in the implementation – it’s really hard to figure out what a book wants you to do at 2 am when you’re bleary eyed and “whisper fighting” with your hubby, and at that point, it’s easy to throw in the towel.
That’s why I created my group program – it’s not based on some magical secret method that works for every baby. But the ongoing support of my coaching and the camaraderie of your fellow moms in the program will help you stick with it and see results.
What’s the #1 mistake parents make when sleep training?
The #1 mistake is definitely giving up. If you say, “We’ll try this for 30 minutes and then we’ll try something different”, you are sending confusing messages to your baby.
Giving up midway will teach your baby that he needs to throw a fit in order to get your attention. If you can commit to the process for just a few nights, you will see a HUGE difference.
If you could give parents one pearl of wisdom to help get their baby on a great sleep schedule, what would it be?
Be confident in your approach. Choose something you feel good about. You will set the tone for the entire process – your baby will feel your confidence and respond in a more positive way. This is not sending baby off to war, it’s teaching him/her a valuable life skill.
When do you recommend hiring an expert?
As with anything else utterly necessary in life, whenever you feel unable to do it alone, it’s time to hire an expert. For some parents, the idea of starting is daunting. For others, it’s after they have tried 8 methods and can’t think of another solution. It’s much easier to get something right from the start than to struggle for months.
Devon Clement LOVES helping babies and moms feel confident and happy. Her work as a baby sleep training expert is a culmination of years of hands-on experience, observation, conversation, mentorship, and research, covering a broad spectrum of parenting styles. Based out of the east coast, Devon offers distance mentoring and support groups worldwide. Learn more at BabySleepClub.com.
LOVE this article. I am on my fourth baby who is about to turn 4 months and we are beginning to gently sleep train. I first read about gentle sleep training in the book ” Bringing up Bebe” (an otherwise useless book IMO). We tried it with my 3rd and voila he was sleeping through the night by 5 months old! I wish we would have known about this with my first two….life would have been a lot less stressful for mommy and baby.
Smh. It always amazes me when parents are supremely interested in the physical health of their children, but take the selfish, easy way out when dealing with their child’s emotional health. Unsubscribing.
Hi Lorelei. Generally I don’t answer self-righteous and rude comments like this one, but I just feel inclined today. If you disagree, that’s your right. If you don’t want to read my blog or subscribe to my newsletter you’re only a few easy clicks away. HOWEVER, I do ask that if you choose to participate in a discussion or leave a comment, you act with the same manners and respect that you would if you were speaking to someone in person. Finally, if you would speak to someone like that in person, I would recommend that you seek some guidance to improve your communication skills.
Actually, I find your reply to be an overreaction. Sorry. A lot of us find this interesting and appreciate it, but your answer here lacks grace and maturity. It wasn’t overly rude, she just has another paradigm.
It would have been truly classy if you said: “Thank you for your comment, although I obviously disagree with you, and here’s why. Plenty of research has been done in this area, and I cannot think of anything more empowering for mothers and the families than to take on this message. Why not give it a try? We could all use a little more sleep”.
You can still be nice, regardless of how others behave. See Mommypotamus’ replies to criticisms for a gracious way to respond. Regardless, I did enjoy your article. Thank you!
You do realize that sleep is required for physical health too, right? Plus a well rested mom is able to be an emotional healthy mom, which will greatly contribute to an emotionally healthy baby/child. I am a mental health professional, so I know a thing or two about emotional health, and while attachment parenting is FABulous for some, but for others it is detrimental. There is no one size fits all parenting style/technique.
I agree. This seems like an article written to validate a parent’s choice to gain popularity across demographic lines. Many of us get a lot of emails and try to limit the amount of unnecessary information we are exposed to. This article probably gained some new subscribers, but will be losing others as well, including me.
did you use devon’s coaching yourself personally?? Just curious 🙂
Hi Katie, unfortunately I hadn’t met Devon when I needed her help, but for my second I did have the help of a friend who was very experienced in compassionate, gentle sleep training. Even with my easy sleeper there were many days when I considered giving up. Not because anyone was miserable, just because it didn’t seem to be working. Having regular support throughout the process made all the difference in being consistent and patient until the sleep routine ‘stuck’. Devon provides that person support and peer mentorship that makes all the difference in helping tired parents reach their goals of restful sleep for the whole family.
Thanks for the info. I have a 3 month old but he was born early so he is actually 1 month. Every sleep training website I read says not to do sleep training with a baby who was preemie or high needs. When do you think I could start sleep training? Also, I can’t afford 250$ for the sleep program, are there any books you recommend i read?
hi Dawn!
I wouldn’t go hardcore for a few months yet, but you can definitely try some strategies like putting him down awake and seeing what happens – sometimes they surprise you or just a little patting and shushing make a big difference. I wouldn’t try cutting out night feeds or anything but working on him putting himself to sleep will go a long way.
You can absolutely do it on your own if you can’t do the program. There are lots of great books out there – find one that feels good to you and just stick with it! Get your partner on board, too. I like Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child for its explanation of developmental sleep needs at each age and what your goals should be. There’s also a great book coming out by a respected colleague of mine – I’ll find out the title and let you know! ~Devon
I sleep trained my little one pretty early. As a brand new newborn, she usually slept on me or my husband, but once she was about a month old, I started trying to get her used to sleeping alone at least some of the time. Mostly at night. I went based on her cues though. I feel I was lucky. From about 4 or 5 weeks on, I could nurse her to a sleepy state around 9 or 10 pm, and set her down in her cradle that was right next to my bed. She would wiggle and make little noises, but most nights she would drift off to sleep and sleep for several hours. When she would wake in the middle of the night, she would come to bed with me for the rest of the night. Around 8 weeks she started sleeping from around 9 or 10 until about 4 or 5. Once she was a few months old, I was able to nurse her and not have to immediately put her to sleep. By the time she was 8 months old, I was able to put her to bed without needing to soothe her to almost sleep and she would go to bed with almost no issues, unless she was teething or otherwise not feeling well.
I’ve been told that I was very lucky. She was my first (and is currently my only) and I’ve rarely had issues with getting her to eat or sleep. It has only been since she became school aged and spending more time away from me (sleep overs at Grandmas and such) that I’ve struggled with food and bedtime.
Thank you for being a voice for this! I am sure you will get some nasty comments but I want you to know you are doing a good thing! I have 3 Baby Wise babies and while each one presented slightly different personalities that we had to be flexible with training is what worked in our family and I have 3 very well adjusted, loved, confident, smart little girls that still sleep 12 hours a night and do not ever fight bedtime or naps. It is just part of the rhythm of the day 😉
Thanks for this! I’ve felt guilty in holistic communities for not doing attachment parenting, but it is as simple as it did not work for us. Not everything works for everyone, and that is something that needs to be accepted. How do you approach sleep training while still nursing your baby? We have an 8 month old and she puts herself to sleep pretty well at night and after night feedings, but she does still get up twice in the night to eat. I always wondered how you know when they are ready to be done with night feedings or at least go longer in between. Thanks in advance for your advice!
Hi!
My daughter is 7.5 months old and doesn’t STTN yet. She goes down (well has minus the last two nights for some reason) easily after a bottle and puts herself to sleep. She puts herself to sleep at nap time too. She wakes up in the middle of the night and I’ve tried letting her cry. We’ve done an hour with me behind her crib and rubbing her face every few mins and she just keeps going. Any advice on how to help her sleep? Thank you 🙂
Hi Meredith, thank you for your question. I am by no means an expert in baby sleep training. I would pick a method and try and be consistent with that one method. If you find you are still struggling, then it might be a good idea to consult with a specialist.
Hi Emily,
Thank you for the information. I was always torn between both. We are on the same page as you. Our daughter is almost 2.5 and we’re noticing new challenges. She doesn’t want to sleep in her “toddler bed” unless we are sleeping on the floor next to the bed, which then means she ends up on the floor next to us. The other common battle is that she doesn’t want to sleep in her room at all so we usually let her fall asleep in our bed and then carry her to her room. She mostly sleeps through the night and she usually wakes up happy in her room. We’re getting ready to upgrade her to a twin and we’re worried she’s going to freak out. She’s been asking for a big girl bed for awhile but we’re still concerned. Any advise would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you so much for this article. With our first child — ignorant of attachment parenting — we trusted our instincts. I noticed that ever time I tried to let him nurse or sleep in bed with me, I got NO sleep and was just angry and irritated. So I had a habit or nursing him in a chair and putting him to sleep swaddled in his crib. When he started waking up once every half hour at about 7 months, I noticed the lack of sleep and irritability was really weighing on our marital relationship during the day. We started letting him him “cry” to sleep at this point. The first night was rough, but the second night, he fell asleep after 5 minutes, and the next night he only cried until I was at the bottom of the stairs. He has slept 10-12 hours a night ever since. Before our second child, someone introduced us to attachment parenting (and a particularly guilt-ridden form of attachment parenting). While I still felt that an across-the-board parenting style was just not something that made any sense, it still instilled me with enough guilt that we were a mess with our daughter. I would get up probably 4-5 times a night for the first year of her life to nurse her. She was impossible to get into a crib or rock n play. I noticed that my attitude during the day was horrible. I had never been prone to anger, but I was utterly and explosively angry all the time. I couldn’t figure out why this was happening to me. After about a year, I realized that over the past year, I had *trained* myself to impatience over night after night of nursing on demand. My daughter wouldn’t take a bottle or a binky and we forgot that rule about putting them to sleep slightly awake. I would get up every night and think, “Why am *I* the only one who can nurse her? Why can’t anyone else help her? Why won’t she sleep?” Grump, Grump, Grump. By 4 months, she was trained — and so was I. I have lost my patience. I deeply regret my desperation of just trying to get her to sleep by nursing her every half hour, instead of a few days of patience of sleep training. My attitude matters to my family. My sanity matters. It matters way more to their healthy development that whether or not they cried for 3 nights. It matters more to their mental stability, their character training, and their souls that I don’t snap during the day. (As an aside, I nursed my son for 19 months, and my daughter is 17 months and still going strong.) I know many people who use attachment parenting and it works for them — thanks be to God! But we are not a homogeneous culture — we’re not even a family-friendly culture! We didn’t grow up the same way, we don’t have the same support systems, mental stability, past lives, or daily lives. Attachment parenting may be second-nature to one person, or have been a difficult adjustment, but with no detriments to the family, but my duty as a spouse and a mother is to discern if a situation I have put myself in is taking a real toll on the family life. If it is, I need to revisit that decision.
A friend of mine has some thoughts on why discussing parenting philosophies can often hurt worse than any other topic. It’s worth the read and consideration: http://www.conversiondiary.com/2008/01/on-discussing-parenting-philosophies.html
Thank you for braving this one. With our first child we staunchly attachment parented and secretly frowned upon anyone who didn’t. Now four years later and we are in tatters – broken parents, tentative marriage and she has only just started sleeping though the night. It has been then hardest time of our lives. Also for her she gets sick a lot as she doesn’t get enough sleep. It breaks my heart. So now that my son is nearly six months we are gently ‘encouraging’ him to sleep. It has made the world of difference! We may be able to pull our selves together and survive this after all! I now truly believe that you have to approach parenting from a ‘whole family’ point of view.
I also loved your post from ages ago entitled ‘how attachment parenting ruined my life!’ It was such a breath of fresh air to read. In fact it’s the reason I follow your blog! x
The most important thing I have learned as a parent is that the only thing I really have is my intuition. I love seeing comments that support parents in trusting their judgement and doing what is best for their own family, and not simply subscribing to one philosophy or another. Great thread!
I have 3 kids, my first was by FAR my worst sleeper. We found the 5 S’s from The Happiest Baby on the Block super helpful when he was a newborn (find the video, who has time to read a lengthy book when you’re sleep deprived?!)! As an older baby those stopped working…so he stopped sleeping!! Thankfully, around his first birthday, we found Goodnight Sleep Tight, her “chair” method worked brilliantly for our son! AND as one with a BA in psych and an MA in counseling I GREATLY appreciated the emotional sensitivity of the approach. I never felt like my son felt abandoned or alone. We were right there supporting him while he learned the lifelong skill of sleep. I also recommend The No Cry Sleep Solution for less extreme cases.
We made it to nine months before we all realized we were exhausted and uncomfortable in the “family bed”. Additionally, my night terrors (which had abated a bit during the first few months post-partum) came back in force, and it only took one night of me sitting up screaming to convince us that we needed to get a crib and get the baby out of our bedroom.
I have no doubts we did right for our situation. When #2 comes along, we’ll probably do the same.
That said, I do have days when I am wistful for cuddling with my daughter in bed; those were great cuddles. Every now and then when we go on vacation I let her sleep with me (usually in the middle of the night, after my night terrors have run their course), and that quickly kills the romance. She flops, thrashes, and kicks most the night (probably because she’s been used to her own bed for over a year now), and I am reminded why giving a child her own bed is not always a bad thing. -_-
Anyway, said child just woke and I can hear her knocking quietly on her bedroom door. Time to start the day!
To those worried about their baby not STTN it is normal!
Not even adults sleep through the night.
Night waking is protective against SIDS. Leaving a child to cry because a parent is putting their incorrect views on how a baby should be sleeping first IS damaging.
Unless your “expert” has a background in neuroscience or psychology he is simply another voice for the parent centric way western society has of raising children.
There is plenty of evidence out their suggesting harm. Even if you choose to disregard that evidence try some empathy. If you were crying and in need of comfort and your partner was too tired and just closed the door on you so they could get some sleep, how would you feel? If you were too young to understand why that is happening, what lesson do you think you would learn?
Babies are not animals in need of “training” and there are a million gentle ways to encourage sleep that don’t involve crying or ignoring a child that has a legitimate need for human contact and comfort.
There are many books and resources for gentle methods.
IF IT FEELS WRONG, IT IS!!
It’s not healthy for babies to sleep so deeply at night. Babies that sleep near a parent have better, deeper sleep proven through brain wave research conducted by Dr. Nils Bergman and Dr. Sears. Harvard university also did research on the importance of touch and keeping babies close. I’m sorry, but I do not believe sleep training is a holistic approach of caring for an infant.
I just have to face the fact that I’m going to be sleepless for a while I think. Now that I have accepted that sleep train doesn’t work for my little one. I’m a much more relaxed mum. I sleep when I can during the day and night..yes I’m half a zombie but it’s what you gotta do when your little one just doesn’t awttle on his own and you can stand letting him cry and cry and cry for hours!
I only have a minute, but I want you to know that I TOTALLY respect you for raising this issue when many won’t for fear of retaliation and verbal abuse. It needs to be heard. Thank you and God bless! For the record, I tried to co-op with some of my 5 babies (I’ve tried many different methods with each). When we co-slept, I kept putting my back and neck out, and was so tired from lack of sleep, and got bad migraines. None of my kids had to cry it out- there really are super gentle methods that are easy. 🙂
My first 3 children (17,15,13)were sleeping through the night and took very good, long naps during the day by 3 months of age. We were on a predictable schedule with some flexibility but I was very consistent in using the baby wise approach and sometimes would rock them to sleep but not very often because they would happily just fall asleep on their own without any fussing! Fast forward 13 years later and surprise! Big surprise! our new addition had arrived! I have done things differently this time around and decided to go with the AP approach and after 4 months of no consistency, infrequent naps, crankiness, crying and fatigue I am changing this approach to what I did before because this is NOT as enjoyable of an experience as when my first 3 were on a predictable schedule. I have been wanting to do this for several weeks but have been procrastinating until I read this article! I’m determined now, I’ve got this!!! When it pertains to a parenting style there is never a one size fits all for every family but I will say that EVERY family benefits and thrives from a consistent schedule and discipline, surrounded by respect and lots and lots of love and nobody can tell me otherwise, I’ve seen it firsthand in our home.