Guess what. I sleep-trained my infant.
I’m sure this will probably shock and offend many attachment parenting advocates, but with all the hype about co-sleeping and baby wearing out there, I think it’s important to share my story about how attachment parenting nearly ruined my life.
Sure, after 6 years or so, I’ve restored my sanity (more or less) and my back has recovered after extensive rehabilitation, but I blame this “peaceful” parenting style for stealing years of my life via sleep deprivation and pain as well as imprinting me with an unattainable expectation that a good parent must be an ‘attached’ parent. I also think the AP community deserves a smack on the wrist for unabashedly treating any other style of parenting with scorn.
Here’s how attachment parenting led us astray…
When I was pregnant with my first child, I was clueless. My husband and I hadn’t spent much time around kids since we were youngsters ourselves. As a holistic health practitioner, I knew I wanted to go the natural route in terms of birth, but that was the extent of my plan.
I did what any freaked-out newbie parent would do, and I began to research – I read Dr. Sears, chatted with midwives, pored over the internet, and generally immersed myself in learning the best ways to parent to a newborn.
Not surprisingly, attachment parenting (AP) was the clear winner among the conscious-minded, crunchy-leaning parents and experts.
Attachment parenting, a term coined by William Sears, is a style interacting with babies that promotes development of connection, trust, and confidence between caregiver and child via skin to skin contact, breastfeeding, co-sleeping and baby wearing.
AP babies are said to have better behavior, development, and learning skills.
This all sounded perfectly reasonable and quite wonderful.
My son was born at home on a bright December day. My husband and I were in awe (You can read his story here). It was completely instinctual to want to be skin to skin with a newborn baby – our midwives had my husband remove his t-shirt to hold our son, and he fell quickly and deeply in love.
It also made perfect sense to sleep with our baby. We had weighed the pros and cons of co-sleeping, and were confident that we would not suffocate him.
I was particularly lured by the prospect of more sleep, and indeed, inhabiting the same bed with a small human that nurses every two hours ensured that I could at least get a full night of strung-together naps. After a few weeks, when we figured out side-lying nursing, I enjoyed full nights of sleep, only interrupted by the occasion roll-over-switch-sides.
My husband, the picture-perfect attachment parent.
As soon as I was cleared for exercise, I began wrapping the baby into my mai-tai carrier and marching on a mountain hike that was a few minutes walk from our home. While my friend’s baby mostly slept through these hikes, my baby mostly screamed (despite trying different carriers, feeding schedules, bouncing, singing, etc).
Despite this, I was happy to get out of the house, and the AP-encouraged baby wearing made these outings possible. As time passed, however, my baby kept growing and growing.
By 4 months, he was beyond the 100 percentile in height and weight. My back began to ache, and I developed sciatica – a condition that makes sitting, standing, and walking excruciating. Over the next few years, my back “went out” three times, and I had to lay horizontal for nearly a week each time to coax my muscles out of spasm.
At around 6 months of age, my son began nursing non-stop throughout the night. No de-latching, just constant suck-suck-suck. I began to feel exhausted and dizzy from dehydration upon waking.
As part of our attachment parenting plan, my son was always nursed to sleep. If you’ve ever had the experience of having a milky baby snoozing at your breast, you know it’s a precious thing. BUT the downside was that my baby would not go to sleep without nursing.
I would lay in bed with him for up to 45 minutes, and when he finally dosed off, I would try to gently detach him and tip-toe out the room. Most of the time, he would be awakened by my movement, and require my assistance to get back to sleep.
Needless to say, I spent hours most evenings trying to get my sweet boy to settle, leaving very little time for my husband and I to connect.
Nap time was a downward spiral, and I spend every afternoon for months in a rocking chair with my baby on my chest. Any attempt to “transfer” him to his bed resulted in the permanent end of nap time.
I grew more and more drained and emotionally frazzled. I looked forward to daily scheduled visits from friends, so I could hand off the baby to take a shower. My fatigue began to affect my appetite and I was washed with waves of nausea throughout the day.
By the time my son was one, he had all but completely rejected napping – leaving him (and me) exhausted and cranky most of the day.
Desperate for a solution, we finally decided that sleep training was the only way forward.
Now, I DO NOT recommend sleep training a one year old if you can avoid it (instead introduce a schedule no later than four months in most cases). Cry It Out is the stuff that makes skin crawl for attachment parenting advocates, and it is simply not pleasant for anyone.
On the first two nights of sleep training, I nursed my son on the sofa, and then we put him into his bed where he proceeded to scream for 30 minutes before he fell fast asleep. On the third day, he cried for only 10 minutes. From the fourth day forward, he almost always went to sleep without fussing.
After this, my son still nursed once per night until we did a similar screaming-in-the-middle-of-the-night intervention about 6 months later.
Nap time continued to be a struggle until he finally gave them up completely at the age of 2. Sleep schedules awry, our days often began at 4am (!) – an hour that both the sun and I never considered to be morning.
As for nursing, I deeply enjoyed the bonding and nurturing time until about 18 months, but struggling with sleep deprivation, I didn’t have the energy or heart to wean. The last 4 months of nursing a feeling resentment began to mount.
Not only had attachment parenting led me down a path to crazed sleep deprivation and chronic back pain, but I spend most of those first two years feeling guilty about my failures as a mother. After all, AP babies enjoy better behavior, development, and learning skills – but what happens when Attachment Parenting methods are a disaster?
Finally weaned and sleeping through the night, it wasn’t until years later that he stopped screaming upon waking and frequently waking in the middle of this night needing to be consoled for no apparent reason. While only my opinion, I believer that his sleep patterns and feeling of “attachment” could have been greatly improved with earlier intervention sleep training.
When it came time for baby #2, I was determined to find a way of early parenting that was a better fit for me and my family.
My daughter (you can read her home birth story here) had a beautiful birth, lots of skin-to-skin time and was breastfed until 16 months – 6 months shy of when I weaned my son. While she still got plenty of snuggles and kisses, I carried her only minimally, and otherwise allowed her to explore from the floor whenever possible.
Without baby wearing or extended nursing, my back was pain-free and I never grew to resent nursing, but our biggest triumph with our hybrid-AP baby was sleep.
Using the sleep training plan laid out in Gina Ford’s The Contented Little Baby Book (and ignoring her feeding advice), we began to gently guide my daughter to a schedule as soon as she regained her birth weight.
Admittedly, in the beginning I missed staying in my own bed through endless nights of nursing. But by only nine weeks, my daughter had begun to sleep from 10pm until 7am, and naps nearly always occurred like clockwork. At bed times my Contented Little Baby would lay down awake and drift off to sleep with a smile.
There was essentially NO crying involved with this process unless she had a dirty diaper. Occasionally she would make squeaky sounds, but never in distress. Now as a two and a half year old, she often sings herself to sleep.
Our entire family was rested and content. My daughter was good tempered, emotionally engaged, and physically thriving. Months and months of sleep deprivation and emotional exhaustion – circumvented. And absolutely no harm done.
Is Attachment Parenting evil?
In my clinical practice, week after week bleary-eyed parents (usually with babies 6 months or older) stagger into my office looking for advice about getting more sleep. These parents are faced with the choice to wait it out (usually until around 3 years of age) or the dreaded “cry it out” method.
It’s my opinion that for most parents, the early days of parenthood would be much easier if healthy sleep patterns are introduced at a younger age.
Other moms and dads come in with chronic pain caused by baby wearing or awkward positions while co-sleeping. Parents need to know that they should not be suffering at the price of practicing attachment parenting.
Don’t get me wrong, the message here is not that one way is better than the other, but in fact, the opposite.
Each baby has a unique temperament, and every child will respond differently to different methods. There is not one right way to parent a child. As such, each family needs to find the best methods that work for them. Hopefully this will include some attachment parenting principles such as skin-to-skin contact and breastfeeding, but co-sleeping vs. sleep training as well as baby wearing are simply personal choice.
Let’s help new parents understand their choices. What was your experience with your baby?
What parts of attachment parenting worked for you?
Where did attachment parenting fail for you?
Did you co-sleep, sleep train, or both?
Did you wear your baby? How long?
If you want more info on sleep, check out this post on co-sleeping vs. sleep training.
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I think you totally missed the boat on what AP is about. Yes many people confuse it with the super-intense co-sleeping and baby-wearing style, myself included. But its really about having a connection to your kids and using that connection to guide them as they learn how to navigate life. I suggest all parents skip Sears and read Neufeld and Kohn. They get to the heart of the issue. Also, the one thing that jumps out at me about your story is that you NEVER mention individual differences in your children’s temperament. From talking with other mamas, AP and not, I have gotten the sense that temperament is more important than anything when it comes to those early years.
I have begun to dislike the label “attachment parenting” because it sets some people up for problems like the author describes above. To me, at its heart instinctive/continuum/whatever you wish to call it parenting is about listening to your heart, your own wisdom – you know your baby best, yourself and your family best etc.
I did practice “attachment parenting” with my 6 kids and though they all coslept and nursed through the night, I didn’t feel sleep deprived except during illness when I actually had to get up to help an older sick child. For me, AP was an extremely helpful paradigm that allowed me to listen to my baby and not to others.
I’m 37 and raising 7 kids, and I do not regret any time spent holding a napping infant. AP style parenting saved my sanity with my first who was a classic “high need” baby (in retrospect he probably had reflux and would have benefited from probiotics. You know better you do better.).
I believe that people who do not read parenting books, traditional cultures etc naturally gravitate towards frequent suckling, lots of in arms carrying, and co-sleeping. It’s something people all over the world practice when some authority figure isn’t telling them how to parent.
And yes, I agree that temperament is EVERYTHING. I know a mom of 11 who sleep trained all her kids, but it simply did not work with her son, who at 2 is still not sleeping through the night.
I am glad it works for you. I think it depends on what type of sleeper the parents are as well. My sister does complete AP style but she sleeps pretty heavily and her DH sleeps like a rock. If I was in those conditions we would night parent differently.
Hi Gloria – Thanks for sharing! I love the idea of AP being more about connection than intensive co-sleeping and baby wearing. I guess that’s part of why I wrote this post. The connection of AP is beautiful, and parents should be shown various ways to achieve that. I will definitely check out the authors you recommend.
As for temperament, I mentioned this briefly at the very end, and I do think it is a huge factor. But even so, I think my first child with the more “expressive” temperament would have benefited from more structure early on. Just my theory though.
Some kids just don’t sleep. Mine doesn’t. She slept on my chest for the first year, we slept in a recliner to keep her upright. When flat she would throw up and choke. She woke every thirty minutes to nurse back to sleep until about fourteen months. At that time we could start laying flat. Now with food allergies mostly figured out she only wakes every two hours. It is tiring, and painful, she has always been above the 100th percentile. So at 45 pounds and 21 months I am one of those parents waiting it out. Can’t say I would do it different because I just don’t have the heart for cry it out. I stopped baby wearing early on as it just killed my back.
Re: babywearing and back problems, I recommend Katy Bowman’s site, Aligned and Well. I am not affiliated with her in any way other than being a fan! She is not an advocate of using slings but encourages parents to use their arms to hold their babies, as well as changing many of their daily habits, to avoid/cure back pain.
Her tips were enormously helpful to me during my last pregnancy and I had zero back, hip or pelvic pain when I followed her advice.
Thanks for sharing Katy’s site, Carrie! Hopefully some moms-to-be will hop over there and save themselves a lot of pain.
I look forward to checking out her site!
As for my experiences, I think that sling and wrap wearing saved me a huge amount of back pain. I’ve got degenerative disc disease and found that a properly fitted, supportive baby carrier was easier to hold the baby than in arms, not to mention freeing up my hands for dealing with the older kids. And yes, I suppose strictly limiting in arms time could have saved me some work, but I can’t comprehend why I would want to detach from my child in that way. They spend enough time independent when they’re ready.
I also am one of those people who found cosleeping to be an easy way to get plenty of sleep. I’d be inclined to think it was the first baby’s personality, rather than your parenting, that led to the frequent wakings. I love Elizabeth Pantley’s books on sleep, if you feel the need to do a little gentle nudging, rather than books by the the emotionally abusive Ezzo and Dobson.
Sandra,
I completely agree with you – I put my 95th percentile daughter in slings & carriers & it completely saved me. I too have had back problems for years and never had a problem wearing her. Elizabeth Pantley has also been a resource for me – especially her book on attachment issues. I also agree with others that AP is about doing what is right for you and your child. Even Dr. Sears says this many times in his books. My daughter & I coslept till she was 3 (3.5 now) and I found that with her energetic personality and poor sleep patterns since infancy that waiting till she was older to put her in her own bed in her own room worked for us….Again any credible AP promoter *should* tell anyone interested in the AP style that one must do what works for one’s family, living situation and child(ren).
I also really dislike the “AP” label. I think it’s misused, overused, misunderstood and confusing! I came to recognize myself in AP ways without realizing that is what I gravitated towards. It came through trial and error. It certainly did not fail me in any way – I think that is why I’m not in to labels – with it comes expectation and thus disappointment. Yup, temperament IS everything.
I really enjoyed reading your post, thank you so much for sharing so openly your experiences. If I have another child I will do some things differently for sure. The first is kind of an experiment
I am a rabid advocate for baby wearing! I recommend it to EVERYONE and I believe it was why my colicky terrible sleeper of a child was as happy, content, secure and relaxed as she is despite our circumstance. It allowed me so much freedom to go places and do things, compared to my friends with big strollers and piles of stuff. However some babies really seem to not like being in a carrier too.
I wore mine until she was 2 3/4 years and reached the weight max for our Ergo. It was a sad day to pass that along.
Sleep wise we went from baby hammock to co-sleeping to sleep training back to co-sleeping and then at 2 1/2 she just decided she was sleeping in her own bed alone and told me to go to my bed
I still nurse to sleep and sometimes in the middle of the night. I have my reasons for it and it works for us.
I think that is most important. It has to work for your family. There is no prescription for the perfect child or perfect parent. All kids are different, all parents, all family dynamics.
I would hope new parents would take what they like from many different parenting philosophies, instead of getting stuck on trying to follow one book or website to the “t”.
I’m glad you wrote this. Personally, I’m not a fan of Attachment Parenting.
We sleep-trained our daughter at 4 months, thanks to a wonderful book, “Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child.” The author, Dr. Weissbluth, says that babies and children who are sleep-deprived have MORE trouble going to sleep.
So we followed his advice, set strict nap and sleep times, and we did not take her out on car trips and stroller rides when it was time for sleep (contrary to popular belief, babies don’t sleep well in strollers or car seats). She slept beautifully after that — from 12-14 hours per night — and she was a lot less cranky. No more crying and screaming at 4 pm.
Most of the AP moms I know are totally exhausted. I just don’t think it’s necessary to go to those lengths.
Thanks Ann Marie! And thanks also for the inspiration to write this post!
Good words! I’m glad to see this other much maligned perspective put out there. We had beautiful results with set wake times and nap times. Everyone is happier when well rested. You can still be attached to your kids during those waketimes without sacrificing nighttime sleep and naps. Babies need sleep, and sleep begets sleep as dr weissbluth says!
I just want to note that there’s absolutely nothing in “AP” parenting that says you can’t have set sleep times. We co-sleep, but we’ve also had our son on a pretty steady sleep schedule for both naps and bedtime for a long time now. He fusses and complains sometimes, but I don’t have a problem with letting him cry *with* me. I’m quite firm about bedtime. And I usually nap with him, so we all usually get enough sleep.
I am not 100 percent satisfied with our routine– if I could go back in time I might work on teaching him to fall asleep without me. But it’s not an issue of sleep deprivation in our household at all, just a bit of frustration for mom sometimes.
I was shocked to learn that sometimes babies DO just cry to sleep. I was frustrated that I couldn’t settle the third and fourth to sleep without the inevitable tears. However, just because they wanted to express themselves or unwind in that way doesn’t mean I needed to leave them alone. I’m not 100 percent satisfied, but I’m not sure I’d do things differently if I had the ability to go back and change things.
I’m surprised to see you saying this Ann Marie when you said on one of the talks on the Healthy Life Summit that your 5 yr old still sleeps in your bed because she’s scared and that it just feels natural to do that. It sounded as if you would be in favor of a lot of the AP stuff.
I had much the same experience, of not having a solid foundation for parenting and getting sucked into AP ideology. I had severe back pain with slings, and co-sleeping worked well for my first baby but not at all for my second. I wasn’t able to nurse at all despite having the best support possible. I tortured myself for years about these things. I felt like a complete failure and this lack of confidence negatively affected my skills and relationships. I’m not totally anti-AP; it’s a fine basic framework for parenting, because it encourages closeness and responsiveness in response to conventional advice that seems aimed at separating parents and children as soon and as brutally as possible. But the obsession over fine points can be destructive, especially in the communities that spring up around AP.
I know the more I read about parenting, the worse I felt. I always felt like I was doing it wrong or I was not good enough. Finally I ditched all the parenting books and magazines and winged it. If I encountered a specific problem or phase, I consulted my mother first then the internet for possible solutions, but mostly I trusted my gut. Every kid, every parent, every family is different. If it works, it’s all good!
Hi Jill – Thanks for your comment! I like to ask my mom first too.
I am a part time nanny and oftentimes babysitter. (Also a Mom of two grown daughters.) I tend to be willing to try anything reasonable and keep an open mind as I see many different styles/theories of parenting. Remembering how important my beliefs were when my girls were young, I work hard to honor the beliefs/theories of the parents who I help.
That being said, I have finally had to write on the web site where I often find work that I can no longer provide care for children in AP homes or in homes where they have a Family Bed. It is not that I reject these ideas, per se, it is that I cannot provide comfort, as an outside caregiver, to these children. One time I was caring for 2 girls. I put the 6 year old in bed and said, I will be right back, I need to go get a bottle for your sister (of breast milk her Mom had left) and change her diaper. The 6 year old became extremely concerned to the point of crying. I looked for some sort of ‘lovie’ to offer her, a stuffed animal or something, but she had none. I keep running into this: the child has no transitional object for comfort and furthermore, is completely incapable of any sort of self-soothing or self-comforting, even for a short period of time. So in these homes, I often find that I have screaming, terrified, inconsolable children and I leave feeling like some sort of monstrous being for not having been able to comfort them.
That’s too hard for me emotionally and it’s way too hard for those children. So I had to say no, I can no longer accept those particular assignments. I have a strong maternal, grandmother thing inside of me and love to get down on the floor with babies and hold, rock and cuddle….I love the feeling of the melting of their tiny selves into my heart and my arms…I was a Montessori-trained preschool teacher and have a Mary Poppins type bag of tricks to keep any toddler happy for hours..I can do super heroes, talk pro sports with aspiring young athletes, hold my own with any 6-9 year old in conversation…I am nurturing, kind and loving…yet this particular set of children, I can offer nothing to. Or perhaps more likely, they do not seem capable of receiving what I am giving. Repeatedly I have run into this issue and it is only with those children whose families practice AP. The thought I finally had was maybe it is a fine way to raise children but only if you never ever ever intend to be away from the child. I wonder if these children attend nursery school and if they do, how they fare?
I find that very interesting- thanks for sharing!
This is interesting because to me, a six year old exhibiting that behaviour was NOT parented AP style. My understanding and experience has been AP builds a confident, independent, secure child. I could see in a 1 or 2 year old, maybe, but six?? That’s something else, from my outside perspective.
Hi Cath – IMO that is one of the misconceptions of AP. Just because one practices AP, it’s not a guarantee it will yield a confident, independent, secure child. That said, my son is now 6, but his sleep issues were resolved around the age of 3. Thanks for your comment!
Very interesting, Lisa Q. You are certainly not the first nanny who’s shared similar opinions with me. Thanks for sharing!
Sounds like the kids weren’t ready to be away from their parents, not that you were doing anything wrong. I’ve got four AP’d kids and they all do just fine away from us when they’re ready.
Exactly. My kids had no problem being left when they were around 1-2. They had no transitional object, and this was fine because I didn’t WANT to leave them with another caregiver before they were ready.
All kids are different. There is no way my kids would have acted the way the nannie above described. They loved playing with a mommy’s helper!
Lisa Q., you said that you “leave feeling like some sort of monstrous being for not having been able to comfort them.That’s too hard for me emotionally and it’s way too hard for those children.” I think that is at the heart of why many moms do AP. In the end, it is more important the child is connected to the parent than a care taker who is only occasionally in their life. Also, I know a ton of Attachment parented kids and they are all extremely happy and independent.
I have seen this too. A friend of ours AP here kids and the oldest cannot handle any type of discomfort at all. I blame his mother for over smothering him. The were at our home one time and he was jumping on our couch ( when I asked him to sit down please.)and fell off. Our couch is very low and he was not hurt in the least, he is a larger 3 yr old. Her response was to run over to him grab him up and look him over frantically for bruises and then nurse him. He hadn’t even made a peep until she did that. Then the wailing started, which also started her 7 month old baby wailing. Then she was nursing both of them. It was the most ridiculously over indulged display I’ve ever seen. He also throws his food on the floor because he doesn’t like to eat anything. and she just nurses him when he doesn’t like the way things go. This is the 3rd friend I have that does AP and all of their kids are very whiney. It’s like they have no coping skills at ALL. It does little to convince me of the merits of AP-ing exclusively.
this is not AP parnting. and one can abuse any type of parenting, not just AP.
I loved reading this post. I don’t have any kids yet, so I can’t say I’m an attachment parent, but it seems like that’s what you always see talked about on real food/natural living blogs. It was so nice to hear this different perspective! I especially like your point that parents should not be suffering to practice AP (or any other parenting philosophy, really). Ideally whatever choices you make should work for the whole family. I will definitely be checking out your resources in the future.
i have three kids, with three totally different experiences in terms of ap. of course, with the first one i was gung ho and wore him all over. the second is a fiery spirit and was walking at nine months. she had no patience for the sling. my third is a lovely kapha baby who loves nothing more than to look up at the ceiling fan and coo. they are all sweet. honestly, after my first experience, i felt as if ap parenting is often more about healing the wounds of first time parents (not being parented well themselves, children of divorce, etc…)than the baby. just my two cents a mere seven years into this parenting gig. thanks for your post.
I know this post is a little older, but I wanted to comment, Shannon, that I find your thoughts – about healing yourself etc. – very interesting. There definitely seem to be a lot of AP parents who are trying to do everything differently than how they were raised – often with good reason. But of course, there are probably just lots of people who had difficult childhoods in various ways… There are those AP parents whose own parents also used AP-style methods – but they do seem to be in the minority (again, though, this may just reflect the general population – I’m really not sure).
but I also find that I am less ready to sacrifice *everything* for that end. Practically speaking, I would love my new baby to sleep better and sleep by himself at a much earlier age, and I am going to try some (gentle) sleep techniques I would never have even considered with my daughter. I often wonder why my expectations and wishes have changed so much (and it sometimes makes me doubt myself as a mother). Your idea, Shannon, gives me something new to think about. 
On a more personal note, I definitely feel that there were things I was working out myself when my first daughter was born, in connection with my mother and my own mothering abilities, that contributed to me trying to be as close and attached and “immersed” as possible. Now that I am expecting my second child, I feel very differently on many levels – of course, I still want to be close
Emily, I can understand where you are coming from! I think it is a shame that there is so much guilt connected to the choices we make as mothers. Glad to hear you found something that worked for you!
I like your two cents!
Thanks for sharing! I scheduled my kids, I know it helped me enjoy them more. I had 3 in 3 years and I struggled with PPD, I honestly believe I would have killed us all if I did typical AP. I do wish I had held them more, but having them sleep saved my life and since they had a good routine, they weren’t thrown back and forth emotionally with me.
Thank you so much for writing this post. We had a very similar situation with my son, who hated being in a carrier for more then 10 minutes as an infant and totally refuses as a toddler. I actually did a blog post on this subject too: http://ourtenderlife.blogspot.com/2011/09/self-soother.html
The part that I most agree with Emily about is the guilt I felt when I decided to sleep train. Thankfully my husband is supportive and trusts my instincts as a mother.
AP seems awesome if you can swing it as a parent/child team and I envy those who find it easy. What I’ve learned form experience is that I am a better mother when I get regular sleep and my body isn’t broken. To those parents who don’t think you can have an intimate relationship with your child if you don’t practice AP, it’s just not true.
I’m also curious about how you weaned your kids, since it’s becoming obvious that I’m ready to be finished breastfeeding, but it’s so hard to stop. Thanks again!
Hi Megan – Weaning sounds like another fun post.
With my first, we did night weaning much in the way we did the sleep training – not fun. Then my husband took him to the UK for 2 weeks and he came home weaned. Pretty easy! With my daughter, at 16 months I went to conference for the weekend, and when I returned she was done. She asked once or twice in passing, I told her the milk was all gone, and she was fine.
Great post and great responses.
I agree with one poster – all situations, children, families, dynamics are different – have to take from many philosphies and make what works for all of you.
I did AP with first and had a very difficult time similar to you. DD was attached to the breast ALL night – and if I moved, she woke up – and woke up every 43 minutes LOL ( I can laugh now, not then)! That was 9 years ago.
The next three I have made sure that they don’t become attached to the boob. I will let them suckle – but not fall asleep. It has helped immensly. I have also had them cry it out as we/they have needed to work for our family.
I feel that to be a good parent (nurturing, loving, teaching, available) then you need to be a well rested home as well. I still am not perfect, but much better than when sleep deprived, or have sleep deprived kiddos. I think this is important enough to let a little one cry it out if needed.
I find that I feel more and more comfortable with this with each baby. My older kids seem to be well adjusted even if they have cried it out.
It also seems though that a lot of “AP” children seem to be a little bit of “spoiled brats” that get away with anything. Maybe this is just my own perspective, but I think one can be AP without letting their kids basically do anything they want.
Kris
I’m always a bit frustrated with posts like these because AP has never been a set of “rules” or “standards” that parents are supposed to live up to, or else they are failures. AP is a philosophy of parenting that offers a variety techniques that foster attachment with your child. These techniques are means to an end—NOT an end in themselves.
Attachment parenting philosophy continues long after your child is too big to be carried or breastfed, and offers other techniques later, like active listening, positive discipline, etc. but no one ever complains about that part of AP. Let’s face it, caring for newborns and babies is just HARD in the 21st century.
I think temperament means more than technique. Some babies are just high needs or “spirited.” Some have undiagnosed allergies or colic that make it hard for them to sleep no matter what you do. My child gave me no other choice but to AP. She absolutely refused to be put down. Ever. until she was about 7 months. Cry it out? Yeah right. She can cry for many HOURS, and work herself into an increasingly horrifying frenzy (just like her mom).
She slept on my or her papa’s chest or back till she was two, including naps. It was hard, but without an Ergo, it would have been much harder and I wouldn’t have been able to get much done. I chose an Ergo because it was the most ergonomic, and considered the chiropractor a necessary part of parenting.
Turns out she was in extreme pain in a horizontal position, and openly terrified of being alone (as is evolutionarily natural for small children). She was also very colicky and turned out to be allergic to over 50 foods that she was getting from my breastmilk. These gut allergies also affected her brain chemistry, and therefore here mood, sensitivity, and ability to sleep. (As a result of cutting them out of my diet, I later found that I was also allergic to those same 50 foods.)
She rejected a bottle of pumped breastmilk despite several dozen tries over many months, preferring the warmth of actual nursing. She wouldn’t touch solid food at all until she was 15 months old, and had a lot of food issues for long after that as we learned through trial and error what she could and couldn’t eat, so I breastfed until she was 30 months, simply so she’d get enough nutrition. And since she’s allergic to soy, all forms of dairy and beef, formula was never an option.
She’s almost five now and still has an irrational fear of being alone anywhere anytime, and she is still a very spirited, sensitive child. But she sleeps very well now as long as she hasn’t eaten something she’s sensitive to. In fact, all the sleep deprivation and back pain I endured were not caused by AP at all; they were simply the result of having a child with severe undiagnosed food sensitivities and a very high-need temperament. If anything, AP made dealing with these problems easier since conventional parenting had absolutely NOTHING to offer.
AP is not a set of rules. It’s not one size fits all. It’s a philosophy that offers a bevy of techniques for accomplishing the goal of raising children are close to their parents, that trust in the world and believe in themselves. And while you don’t have to use all of these techniques to be AP, they are a clear antidote to the obvious dysfunction created by conventional childrearing.
Hi Dawn – Thanks so much for sharing your experience. You raise a very good point that babies with health issues may need and demand a much more “attached” style of early parenting than babies without health issues. That said, it is also essential that moms (and dads) take good care of themselves while parenting high-needs kids. It is my wish that the AP community would be more inclusive than exclusive in sharing their techniques (that really come off as rules) so that each parent could find the right way of raising confident healthy kids that works best for their individual situations.
This is also true of children who are adopted. AP is highly recommended in the adoption community, especially for children not adopted as newborns, to help facilitate the ability to attach for a child who may not have had any attachment during the first weeks or months of their life. In fact, the required reading about attachment disorder among adopted kids is pretty scary and convinced us that we had no other option by AP methods. I agree that it is hard and exhausting and wish it could have been easier. But I’m not sure I would have done it differently, given my children’s “special needs.”
I love your comment Dawn. So true. Now I know why I like your blog/FB page so much:)
Great post, Emily. I think it’s an important one for people to hear. Like you said at the end, each child is SO different… as is each parent, and each situation. I, like you, read all the books and was so in the mindset of AP… and I agree that the principles about connecting with our children are great, but that too often the practices become rigid concepts that leave parents tired and frustrated. We need less labeling and more support… no matter what choices parents make.
Thanks Robin!
I have some questions. This is a very timely post for me and my little one!
I am a new mom – my little one will be 3 months old next week. You mentioned that you would suggest sleep training before 4 months if possible and that’s where I’m at – so this is perfect. I’m open to sleep training. But, how do you know whether it’s “working” or not? I’ve let my son cry it out for 30 minutes, even 45 minutes before but he hasn’t fallen asleep and at some point I have to conclude that it’s not working and try something else. It also hasn’t gotten any better after 3 or 4 nights of trying the few times we’ve tried going this way. What are your thoughts on how long to leave a baby and how to tell if it’s working? He doesn’t take a pacifier – how can I help him to learn to soothe himself? At night he only goes to sleep nursing or sitting in my lap while I play the piano (random, I know, but sweet) and during the day it’s even harder – he gets tired and fussy but can stay awake for hours this way because he can’t put himself to sleep. I’ve tried every way of soothing I can think of and combination of soothing and then laying him down, etc.
I have also realized that we need to take from different styles of parenting the things that work for us and leave behind the others but I still haven’t been able to find something that meets my little family’s needs in terms of sleep and I can tell that it’s so often very hard for my little guy since we haven’t yet discovered the perfect hybrid of methods to give him the help that he needs. Any suggestions?
Alicia – in my opinion, 3 months sounds a little young to sleep train. You’ll know when it works – when it works, it works by the next night. My son, at 4 months, cried for 2 hours the first night. The next night, he cried for 20 minutes. Then 10, and by the 4th night, he was sleeping through one of his 2-4 feedings. But all babies, as I’m sure you’ve heard only an infinite number of times by now, are really different. Plus, there are several methods of sleep training. We did a modified Ferber approach ourselves because we didn’t have the stomach to do a straight CIO. That worked like a dream for us.
You’re a musician (I’m a violinist, btw) – have you tried playing a recording of piano music for him as he goes to sleep? Someone above mentioned the Weissbluth book, Healthy Sleep Habits Healthy Child – it has a lot of scientific mumble mumble (I KNOW why sleep is important for our brains, thankyouverymuch), but it helped tremendously. Honestly, as far as your last paragraph goes…we didn’t find that “hybrid” til my son was sleep trained to sleep all night around 6-7 months. And then his sleep habits changed. And they’re still evolving at 3 yo. Raising a kid is one big trial-and-error experiment.
It’s also important for mothers who haven’t yet had babies to know that sleep training **does not always work**. Your baby could be put through the stress of crying for long periods … for nothing.
My husband’s first wife sleep trained their daughter (my stepdaughter). He absolutely hated the experience and was opposed to it. He said his gut twisted in agony listening to hear her cry every night for weeks and weeks. And then the CIO method never really “took” for her because she still woke up in the night and cried repeatedly!
When he met me and found out how I had parented my 4 kids, and then we had 2 more together, he was totally relieved and supportive of our loving approach to helping babies sleep. Neither one of us can stomach letting a baby cry alone, we feel it’s just not natural or healthy. We just discussed and revisited this issue over the weekend.
This obsession with kids getting enough sleep is somewhat unique to American culture and is an offshoot of two centuries of parenting advice that said that babies were inherently evil and needed to be controlled so they didn’t become dictators in the family. Read Robin Grille’s Peaceful Parenting book for a history. In many other countries (save France) nobody worries about baby’s sleep and are relaxed about the whole thing.
While I have empathy for parents who feel sleep deprived, I believe there are other ways to get enough sleep without resorting to cry it out methods that go counter intuitive to a parent’s deeply felt instincts to protect their children. Babies don’t have to cry to sleep. And there is a huge difference between letting a baby cry themselves to sleep and a baby “fussing out” with a loving parent’s arms around them.
And all 7 of my kids except the baby are out of the family bed and they sleep just fine
I also give a thumbs up to Elizabeth Pantley’s book on gentle no cry sleep methods.
I agree wholeheartedly. The only thing I wish I had known beforehand is that despite the best efforts, sometimes babies DO cry to sleep. My third and and fourth simple would NOT go to sleep any other way. We coslept, nursed on demand and when all was said and done, they cuddled in bed with Mommy (or Daddy when the crying was too upsetting for me) and cried to sleep. It was a nightmare. We tried chiropractic care, tracked down allergies and other stuff… but in the end, that’s just how they unwound. I firmly believe that it was even *more* important to be there to parent them to sleep than it was for the first two that easily nursed down.
Hi Alicia – I am certainly not a sleep expert – only a parent and a health practitioner with my own experiences and opinions. As you can see from the responses to this post, every child is so different. That said, if I were in your shoes, I would probably find out what Gina Ford would suggest via her books and online forum. She is not a fan of cry-it-out, but instead, gradually guides babies to a sleep routine. It sounds like your little one is pretty tired, which only perpetuates less sleep.
She typically has you find the routine that most closely resembles your child’s current sleep pattern and start from there. So if your baby is still waking every 2 hours, you start with the routine for a newborn and gradually work up as he/she gets the hang of it.
One of the things I found with the sleep routine and baby self-soothing is that it seems like it’s not working at all and this goes on for what seems like forever, and then one day “like magic” (as my friend and sleep training friend told me) the routine sticks and baby can lay down awake and fall asleep happily on his/her own.
Wishing you and your baby many peaceful, sleep-full nights!
I clicked through to this post because I’d seen AP mentioned but had no idea what it was. Turns out I AP’d my daughter, now 8, for roughly her first 2 years. Who knew? I agree with the previous posters that every child/parent/situation is different, but I do think there are some underlying truths to keep in mind:
1) You have to care for yourself so that you can care for your family. That means you need sleep, privacy, a sense of your individual self, and sex with your partner every so often. Those can be pretty hard to achieve if you’re attached to your kid 24/7. (I speak from experience.)
2) I worry that our culture puts too much emphasis on only the parents raising their children. What happened to “the village”? I spent too much time feeling guilty after my divorce at the times when my daughter was cared for by other people–until I realized those diverse influences made her a more complex, resilient, and wise person. Look at the traditional cultures in that fantastic documentary “Babies”: those babies spend plenty of time with other people. Sometimes with other kids!
3) Growth only comes after struggle. My natural instinct as a mom is to coddle. Circumstances forced me to be a much more “hands off” mom than I would otherwise have been, and I now have a confident and capable little girl because of it. If a baby’s always carried around, when does it get the chance to move freely and explore? When does it struggle (which is not a 4-letter word!)?
AP was GREAT for my youngest and HORRIBLE for my oldest. I was determined to make it work for everyone but for my first child I can now look back and admit it was a DISASTER. I stuck with it, though, and with my youngest it has been a gift. We’ve done it the same way each time. I wish I had given up on the AP stuff earlier with my son and I’m happy I tried again with my daughter. Each kid and family has different needs.
I have totally loved reading this! I did (son =20yrs & daughter =11yrs) totally a combination of both, but can say that temperament of the child dictates! I was 24 when I had my son and had NEVER held a child before they handed him to me! What a learning curve but I went with the ‘nature will out’ principle and also NEVER read anything!!! LOL!!! But TBH he was the perfect baby re sleep & temperament but was born a vegan from an allergy point of view though didn’t find this out until 6 mths at weaning! I was 33 when I had my daughter & you couldn’t get a more ‘different’ child…..but again we have muddled along…..making it up as we go & loving it!!!! Though both slept with me I was a strict they need to sleep on there own (you never know what is going to happen! my son @ 6 mths) & strictly between you & me (shush don’t tell the daughter!
) she still prefers sleeping with me! LOL…..I did the sleep training with her at 10 mths & she will go anywhere & sleep on her own!!! honest! 
XXX
I completely agree that attachment parenting is great but you have to take what works and leave the rest. We did baby wearing and still co-sleep(kids are almost 7 and 4). We were kind of lucky I guess, our daughter slept 8 hours straight the first time I think at 8 weeks(could have been because vaccines). Both kids can sleep thru anything. I always thought it was because we never made it quiet for them to sleep. We weaned night feedings I think around 6 to 8 months with my husband holding/walking till baby was asleep…so I could rest. It was a compromise to the CIO method. At least, they were being held and back in bed with me. My daughter weaned herself at 13 months. My son seemed to want to nurse forever. It got to the point that he was yanking my shirt down in public and it drove me nuts so I had to ween for my sanity. I am happy that we made it to 17-18 months. As far as baby wearing, we did almost exclusively. We had some times in a stroller to give us a break but as soon as they were walking which were both about 11-12 months we let them walk as much as possible. I really enjoyed carrying both and they did too. My baby pouch was a perfect fit…had issues with the other slings but finally found the fit.
” It got to the point that he was yanking my shirt down in public and it drove me nuts so I had to ween for my sanity. I am happy that we made it to 17-18 months.”
That is a **discipline** problem, not a breastfeeding problem. It is good and normal for a nursing mom to set LIMITS with a nursing toddler. It’s a relationship and toddlers benefit tremendously from learning that mom and I are two separate people with different needs.
I have nursed mine well into toddlerhood/young childhood, but it was not all about them… I set limits and nipped this behavior in the bud!
I guess it’s the hardest thing in the world to be balanced, eh? Child led nursing doesn’t mean catering to your child’s every whim. Attachment style parenting does NOT mean no discipline.
Thank you for sharing! Our family had a similar experience with the sleeping and we recently (within the past two months) let our daughter cry it out. She’s 16 months and now gladly walks to her room & lays down for naptime & bedtime. My husband and I both get sleep and we’re all much happier, healthier & can enjoy each other more.
I remember the extreme guilt I initially felt, but we’re so glad we did it. I wouldn’t change anything we did because we learned so much, especially from the hard times! Cosleeping was good for a time but after a certain point, we were all suffering from lack of sleep and not getting complete rest.
Every parent’s experience is different. It’s great for other parents to be there to share stories simply to share – not to say one way is right or better. Everyone has their opinion but no two families are identical so what works for one family may not work at all for another.
Again, thank you for sharing!
You’re welcome, Sam!
AP is simply treating your child with respect and responding to their needs. That’s it. All the other things are just tools to help you do that. You can be a bottle feeding, stroller pushing, crib using mama and still be AP. A lot of parents are AP without even realizing it.
Hi Nicohle – I completely agree – the principles of AP are wonderful. That said, I don’t think AP should not be practiced to the detriment of the parents’ health and well-being.
If “AP is simply treating your child with respect and responding to their needs. ” then how in the world could you practice it to the “detriment of the parents’ health and well-being.”
I think Sears himself would say that AP is about meeting the family’s needs. I really don’t understand the hate on the term “AP.”
It really bothers me when people say that AP makes them feel guilty. Own your own guilt issues please.
Hi Rachel – There are plenty of parents who think they are treating there children with respect and responding to their needs, but do so in a way that is completely draining to themselves. I see it all the time in my practice, at the park, in mom’s groups, and in playgroups. It is their right to parent how they wish, but their children are walking all over them.
I understand that you are bothered by me blaming my guilt on AP. For my part, I was bothered by the way the lovely principles of AP are passed along as dogma by its disciples. After years of severe sleep deprivation, I feel entitled to that blame, and completely respect if you don’t like it.
I think if you are doing it to the detriment of your family, then you are not practicing AP. Don’t blame AP. One of the eight AP principles is striving for balance in personal and family life. NOT letting the kids run the show. If mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy, or so the saying goes. And sleep training doesn’t have to be anti-AP. AP asks you to ensure safe sleep, physically and emotionally. You can sleep train in a way that is not emotionally damaging and that is totally AP if that is what you feel is right for your family. Also I think you need to really think hard about temperment instead of blaming AP for the differences in your children’s sleep habits. I know it is easy to do, to lay blame or take credit. My first three children were fabulous sleepers. I easily got them all to sleep 12 hours through the night by 3 months old and we had only some minor sleep disturbances after that. I thought I had it all figured out when it came to sleep and was pretty proud of myself. Silly me. Then I had my fourth baby. I did everything with her just the same as with my other three. But this baby just wouldn’t sleep. It was her temperment in fact that led us to AP and not the other way around. I found that I got more sleep just rolling over and nursing her in the middle of the night than I did when I struggled to try to get her back to sleep in her own bed numerous times per night. Was I sleep deprived? Oh yeah. Was it ideal? No. But it got me a heck of a lot more sleep than trying to put her in her own bed where she was NOT happy. And when she got older, about a year or a year and a half, we tried working on sleep habits again and had much more success. She was older and she was ready at that point. So I would say just because you had your tough sleeper first and your easy sleeper second doesn’t mean it was AP’s fault. And really, the principle about family balance is one of the most important AP principles. It really supercedes all of the others. Stick to the principles, not necessarily copying how other people are living the principles, and you’ll do just fine.
Dr Ferber himself warned never to sleep train a baby before 6 months, so please be weary of the advice you give.
Hi Nichole – Thanks for your comment. There are many different approaches out there, Dr. Ferber being only one. When done properly and early enough, sleep training does not need to involve cry it out. Personally, I would avoid the cry-it-out method if at all possible.
Babies survived before Dr. Ferber and they’ll survive after he’s dead and gone. Really, this hysteria about allowing a baby to cry for ten minutes at a time is just crazy.
Our grandmothers and great-grandmothers didn’t worry about this stuff. Nor should we. Seriously, there are bigger issues.
Every baby and parent is different. There is no “magic method” that makes kids automatically better off than kids raised another way. (I’m obviously excluding kids who are abused or neglected–just “regular” parenting methods.) If there was a magic “trick,” those kids would be obviously “better” than other kids, and that hasn’t happened yet in history.
I am not an attachment parenting fan myself. My five-year-old so far seems to have turned out fine. She is very mature and well-behaved and loving. I’m sure there are AP kids who are the same way. It depends on a lot of factors. The one thing I think is clear is that stressed-out parents are not good for anyone.
I had my son 5 years ago and did AP for similar reasons. All of the arguments for training babies for sleep and feeding just seemed so parent-centered that they often seemed really distasteful. That whole vibe didn’t resonate at all with me, and so I pretty much dismissed all of their ideas. After all, I was perfectly ok with sacrificing my time and energy if that meant that my kid was going to thrive.
Anyway, long story short, 5 years later my health is in absolute ruins! (I think my experience was more extreme than others because I know lots of AP mamas who didn’t lose their health.) What I think happened was that I did an extreme version of AP coupled with preexisting nutritional deficiencies and major stress during pregnancy and for at least 2-3 years after (involving my lovely and well intentioned MIL- need I say more?!) that was like some kind of formula for a health meltdown. In short, my weight has ballooned 40-50 lbs since his birth (due to adrenal fatigue, leptin resistance- I’m still not exactly sure what’s wrong with me) and I suffer daily from extreme fatigue, brain fog, and physical/mental/emotional depletion. I eat RF and do acupuncture but the recovery is so slow and often thwarted by inappropriate food cravings and insomnia.
Fortunately, my boy turned out to be sweet, smart and very healthy, robust and strong. But also incredibly demanding. Thinks he is the center of the universe which at age 5 now is very irritating, annoying and tiresome. I find that I get angry a lot which probably undoes some good of my earlier AP. Oh and did I mention? He is an only child. The first 3 years of raising him were so intense and so depleting that I couldn’t stand the thought of having another child. I’ve since started thinking about having another one and for the last year and a half have been trying to get my health back only to find it slowly getting worse. It is nice to hear Emily that your 2nd child wasn’t as hard and stories like those give me hope for myself. But unfortunately I’m neck deep in a hole that I must get out of before conceiving another child.
Thanks for writing this because it finally gave me a chance to write my story!
Hi Abby – Thanks for sharing, and I really understand your suffering. Be patient and loving to yourself – years of sleep deprivation take awhile to recover from. What is RF? Raw food?
real food!
@Abby – lol! Thank goodness.
Abby where do I find you online? Our stories are SO similar!
Hi Abby, I hope you don’t mind me commenting about the health aspect – I’m sure suggestions get old quick. I thought it better to say something than not in case this happens to be the answer for you. Have you considered that you might have celiac disease or gluten sensitivity? Brain fog is a very common symptom, as is fatigue, etc. Pregnancy and stress are both common triggers. I’ve been gluten free for over 10 years and its helped significantly. But it took a *long* time to figure out and I was glad someone suggested it to me. Good luck to you as you figure everything out and try for a 2nd child.
On the AP front, I consider myself an AP parent, but I do believe in taking what works and leaving the rest. As a single mom, AP has made things much easier and (for me) lead to significantly less sleep deprivation. But each family is different, as many before have said.
I’m sorry to hear, Emily, that you had such a bad experience with other AP parents judging you. I don’t think that’s universal (hasn’t been my experience), but I’m sure it was a miserable experience. I have experienced judgy parents, just not in the AP community personally. I think there is a lesson in that for all parents – I wish we saw ourselves more as a unified group, regardless of parenting styles, rather than so often judging each other.
What a great story Emily. I practiced AP with Mia and it went smorrth. I cried when she outgrew the Ergo.
That said, my BF could no way in H-E-double hockey sticks, carry her big boy around after 6 months. Having one child I have no siblings to compare to, but my guess is it really depends on your kid’s vibe. All said and done I do have a Family Bed with a now nine year old in it. While she is the most Indy kid I know, when it comes to sleep, she has to be with one of us in bed. I need to start to make the transistion, but I’m too damn tired to lose sleep. Zzzzzzzzz
p.s. I told Mia this morining she should really start to try and get back in her own bed. Her reply, “Don’t judge me”.
oye.
Sylvia – LOL! I love that girl.
Each of my kids has moved to his or her own bed at different times, occasionally returned for a while and left again. We’re currently going through some serious stress as a family, so the 4 and 7 year olds join us in the middle of the night most of the time, but the 7 year old started putting himself to bed last year and the 4 year old is pretty close. Now all we need is employment *sigh*
As for weaning, I strongly recommend _How Weaning Happens_ and _Mothering Your Nursing Toddler_. I wanted to do child led weaning but it never really worked out for us. Sometimes even with the best intentions, life has other plans.
Every person’s experience is different, but it is sometimes very helpful to hear how others handled them. I have four children. The first 3 I guided into loose schedules for eating and sleeping. Those three sleep beautifully. Always have. Number 4 is different. I knew she would be the last. We wanted to make everything about her last. We brought her into our bed, thrilled at the idea of more sleep. I loved having her next to me, snuggled in, beautiful. But….she is four now. And I am more sleep deprived then I have ever been. As an infant she nursed all night. All night. When she moved to her sister’s room and into a crib she would wake up several times a night and did learn to put herself back to sleep. When she moved to big kid bed….well. She comes to our room most nights. Usually 2-3 times. We send her back usually, but sometimes hours go by before I realize I am uncomfortable…..she is in my bed. Every kid is different, but this one really makes me wish I had stuck with my original parenting style.
My story is very similar to yours, Kaylin. I also have four kiddos. My older three (who have slept wonderfully since they were very young) were loosely scheduled with naps and bedtime, but my youngest (15 mo) will be my last. My 3rd was 5 when #4 was born, so it had been a few years since I dealt with the baby thing. I brought him into our bed, nursed through the night, held him through naps, etc. Guess what? I’m still nursing him to sleep in our bed and whenever he wakes up. Luckily, he is sleeping mostly through the night, now. Sometimes he wakes up to nurse, but usually when my husband snores too loudly and wakes him up. (that’s another story!) Needless to say, my husband and I are ready to have our son sleep in his own room.
Honestly, I’m not sure that co-sleeping this long was what we intended when we started down this road. Our older children co-slept when they were newborns, but we transitioned them to their cribs fairly early. I’m kind of wishing we would have done that with our youngest.
Oh, he is also one of the more clingy ones, but he’s getting better… So, as of now, I’m ready to transition him to his own bed and completely ween. If I would have stuck with the same parenting style as my older ones, life would be a lot less stressful.
I loved this post! It is a perfect example of how we humans clamp onto a single path in groups and start spreading it everywhere before it’s really been tested out to see if it works every time for everyone. On Facebook right now, I get a lot of AP posts from friends, and some of them just make me want to scream that they are ruining their children! I don’t, because I’m sure the posts just sound more extremist than the people posting them really are, and I would sound like the other extreme if I said anything. For example, I saw one yesterday that said a 3 yr old is built for playing and assured the reader that they are learning when they refuse to sit still and in my mind, behave like a nice little 3 yr old. My first thought on that was that as parents, we’re supposed to choose what our children are learning, and we should choose that they at least learn how to sit still for when it’s necessary.
Like you said, the earlier you start (as appropriate for each child), the better. It makes the transition more smooth for each member of the family. Also as you said, each child is different. I have seen some methods widely promoted as AP simply spoil and ruin one child, while being perfect for another.
My two girls are 12 & 13 now. My oldest was the normal easy first child who rarely cried, cried quietly, and still pretty much always does what she’s told. We used a pacifier solely to get her sleeping schedule righted to nighttime, and when we were ready for her to stop using it (when she started walking), I put it up somewhere where she couldn’t see it, and it was never a bother again. My second was a COMPLETELY different story. She still is more selfishly prone than her sister, and I have to keep much more restrictions in place for her physical and emotional safety because of her adorably impetuous nature. She needs more cuddling, which I give when I can, but I’m now a single mom, and can’t always give her what she needs in that dept.
Life is disappointing, and as their parent, I believe it’s my duty to prepare them for that sooner rather than later so that they are horribly surprised when they get out on their own.
Thanks for saying we can’t all do it exactly the same.
*aren’t horribly surprised.
Thanks for sharing your experience, Kari!
As an attachment focused Social Worker, my practice centers around the concept of healthy attachments and the development of resilience. The father of attachment, John Bowlby, discussed it it as creating a secure base for children to learn to explore and return to the safe haven of the parent who welcomes loves and nurtures them.
Our second daughter was unlike the other 3, and screamed at bed time, not wanting to go down. She was affectionate, but not cuddly. She refused to be held and rocked. Despised getting sung to. From the beginning she showed her independence. To have had her strapped to my wife would have made a terrible existence for both of them, and me.
Good attachment focused parenting will encourage a healthy co dependence without lack of individuality and independence. The child knows they are supported but allowed to be independent. This instills in the child the resilience to explore and grow knowing they are nutured and supported at all timed, but not dependent in the parent for all their direction and will. It develops both the internal strength and the external support network.
I love your blog and I what you share.
Any “parenting philosophy,” especially when you’re a first-time parent comes with it’s own set of challenges, victories, and sanity-breaking experiences. And since every child is different, no philosophy is a perfect fit or one-size-fits-all. We have one child right now, a 2-year old daughter. I learned quickly that the best parenting practice is to observe and listen – to tune in to the messages coming from your child and use a combination of inner wisdom/intuition and research from a variety of tested “tried and true” approaches that support the development of a healthy relationship between parent and child. Does that mean we are perfect parents? Not by a long shot! And when we have a second child I know we will do things differently – hopefully better – because we are wiser and more experienced now and because the second child will be unique in her/his own right. We did plenty of skin-to-skin contact, held our daughter while she slept, co-slept (used a co-sleeper right by my side of the bed until she was about 4 months, transitioned her to her bed and then shared our bed on an as-needed basis and still do), breastfed (just weaned about 3 weeks ago), and babywearing (and fortunately our daughter was petite so we could wear her for much longer than some parents with those 100th percentile babies – ours was in the 10th, and perfectly healthy!). Sleep was always a challenge for us. She almost never napped unless it was on me. I feel like I tried everything in the myriad collection of books out there and everything but sleeping on me always resulted in a screaming, tired baby and exhausted, frustrated mama. Surprisingly, she will nap just fine for others most of the time! Now, at 2 years old, we have quiet rest time – I roll out a cotton mat on her bedroom floor (always offering her the choice between her bed and the mat for rest time – bedtime we just use the bed), she collects some books and I set a Tibetan bell timer for 90 minutes and she knows to stay in her room until the bell chimes (of course if she falls asleep past the bell, I do not wake her up!). And she sleeps 10-12 hours a night and only occasionally wakes up needing comfort from her mama or daddy. As far as I’m concerned, sleep has been fairly successful.
Could it have been better? Maybe, but it’s hard to know. We attempted sleep-training and abandoned after multiple times of 90 minutes of piercing screaming. Sleep training is supposed to be about self-regulation and soothing and I could hear none of that in my daughter’s cries. And as one mother mentioned much earlier in these responses – some babies just aren’t big sleepers or need more comfort when they sleep.
Part of me wishes we nursed longer. I did set a goal to nurse to two years and we nursed for 25 months. By the time I weaned her (and yes, it was me the mama who put the end to nursing and for a very good reason), she mainly nursed only in the morning upon waking. But did I mention that she nursed for 45 minutes? My daughter has always been a long nurser and reluctant to delatch and I was fine with this when breastmilk was her main source of nourishment. But at 2 years, when she’s pulling off every 4 seconds distracted by every sound and sight, when she’s doing yoga on my belly, when she looks up sweetly at me and says “Still nursing, Mama,” even though it clearly feels like she’s not, and when (and here comes the very good reason for weaning) this process completely disrupts my morning momentum and rhythm and I lose the energy I had for the day, spend all day trying to get that rhythm and energy back which can sometimes trigger mild depression and completely disrupt my child’s rhythm, then I decided it was time to be finished. Now we have a new rhythm that includes some short snuggle time and then a morning circle during which we sing songs and dance. Very energizing, gives us a predictable routine and absolutely strengthens our attachment. As another mother said, attachment parenting goes far beyond the skin-to-skin, cosleeping, breastfeeding and babywearing.
For us, we understand the core of attachment parenting to be about developing mutual respect, setting safe boundaries, and finding immense share joy in each other. I am very thankful that Emily wrote this post and for the responses because this discussion reminds us that there is no one right way to parent and no parent deserves to be demonized just because they do or don’t follow whatever style happens to be trendy at the time (thank you TIME magazine). I believe that everyone who has written a response or simply read this post is the mother or father of a beautiful relationship with their child/children – otherwise you probably wouldn’t have read this in the first place. The most important lessons I’ve learned since becoming a mother are:
1. Always be gentle and kind to yourself.
2. Connect with your sense of adventure.
3. Combine your wisdom/intuition with knowledge gained from a variety of outside sources.
4. Tune into your child – by observing and listening with your heart, you and your child will develop a beautiful dance of communication that will always guide you through the whitewater rapids of the family river.
Thanks for the article. This is a hot topic and somewhat controversial. I have raised four good sleepers and it all started with training them very young to put themselves to sleep. I think I did it best with my fourth:) I had her sleep with me for 2 weeks, then I transitioned her to a bassinet in our room. That way she transitioned gently from life in the womb, she slept good and I held her to sleeping patterns when she went to the bassinet. She was sleeping through the night by 4 months and transitioned to a room with her sister with minimal upset.
If one of my babies had to “cry it out” I was still there to comfort, check in on them, tell them gently to go to sleep, but be just slightly more stubborn than they, until they could learn that YES they were capable of putting themselves to sleep. This was usually a night or two of crying for 15 minutes.
They slept good, I slept good. All four of my kids have taken naps well past 4 years old and sleep at least 8 hours at night. They all have different personalities but there has to be something to the early sleep training that is not just coincidence.
I appreciate this post. I have noticed moms and dads in general need to feel validation that they are good parents, so they create the ideal parent in their minds eye, then strive to be “that” parent. Maybe they have put attachment parenting on that pedestal, maybe they put parents who seem to have magic sleep tricks on that pedestal… it could be anything, really. If they can do all the right steps to be walking in the shoes of their “ideal parent image”, they feel pretty good about them self , and if they don’t, they feel that they have failed. Parenting is about our children, it’s not about us! If something doesn’t work, it’s not a big deal. We can make changes, and that is ok. Unselfishly loving your kids and connection with them is a mind-set, not a specific method that looks one way. There is nothing to prove to anyone in parenthood, only children who need to hear the message loud and strong that they are unconditionally loved. If we stick with this as parents, our kids will have the best mom and dad that they could possibly have, and you will be a success. The only danger I see in attachment parenting, or any other parenting style is when parents do it for the wrong reasons, and become in-flexible. I have seen people attachment parent in beautiful ways, where there is deep, and healthy connection, but I don’t think attachment parenting has to look like the Sears family. Maybe since he coined the term, his family portrait is the pedestal which parents strive to attain. Maybe another term needs to be invented like “Loving Connection Parenting”:)
Great idea, Elisha! Loving Connection Parenting sounds perfect.
This is our exact story, only I felt really comfortable with AP in the first year, but my son is now 19 months and our life has been crumbling since just after his first birthday. We did sleep train our first and he is a super happy confident boy of 4.5 years, however when pregnant with #2 I was introduced through new friends to AP. I though it sounded wonderful and totally what we were looking for. Now I have been there, I know I will never co sleep or extreme babywearing again. All that has resulted for us is chronic sleep deprivation ( hubby moved to another room as I refused to budge on the violent co sleeping we were experiencing with our son), extreme back pain due to a big 10lb 8oz bubba who just kept growing, with all that good breast milk he was getting every half hour 24 hours a day! I’ve also had periods flat on my back unable to move due to sciatica. Now I am working through horrible depression and resentment issues towards my beautiful boy. He hit, pinches, bites (particularly my breasts) and screams if I move more than a metre from him… 3 weeks ago we moved him back to his room, implemented a strict evening routine, and now he walks in to bed himself, I still lie down with him, but he falls asleep within moments and the last 4 nights he has slept from 730 till 5!! I feel better already! I felt like I couldn’t talk with anyone about our issues, AP friends kept telling me our situation was normal, and non AP friends had no sympathy, you’ve brought it on yourself type of advice… A very isolating time for me. I agree AP is a whole parenting philosophy that encompasses a lot more then co sleeping and babywearing, however I really felt that it is touted as the answer to all parenting issues and this is just not true… If, and I hope we do, have more babies, I will be doing it very differently, a good dose of both with very relaxed and flexible ideas!! X
I loved this. I completely agree with this statement, “I also think the AP community deserves a smack on the wrist for unabashedly treating any other style of parenting with scorn.” While most of my parenting has been AP style, I feel too much emphasis is placed on following all the tenets, including and emphasizing co-sleeping, babywearing and “following the baby.” It’s like if you even attempt to take the lead and guide your child in a predictable routine, or to get them to sleep through the night before they are 2-3 years old you no longer can be considered an AP parent. I also think much of AP thought is that their parenting style is the most compassionate and beneficial for the child. I disagree with this assumption, as well. The truth is, AP takes a major toll on parents, much more than any other style of parenting I have been exposed to, and I don’t necessarily believe it is the most compassionate approach, either. I believe it is very compassionate for a child that comes into this world chaotic (as all babies do) to have a loving parent guide them in ways that they can trust and predict, including limiting breastfeeding (nursing every hour is not compassionate unless a baby has some serious development needs that require it), encouraging good sleep habits (crying for hours is not necessary for a baby to develop the ability to sleep through the night before the age of two years), and allowing them free time to move around on their own and practice their movements, muscle development and brain function, rather than having them strapped to an adult constantly.
I can’t even say how often I have listened to parents lamenting over severe exhaustion from sleep deprivation, poor nap habits and night sleeping, etc. While this is the story of every parent in the very beginning, this story continues for a good year to three years beyond the experience of parents that do not practice AP dogmatically. I agree with Anne Marie, it just is not necessary to go through this.
I feel that many folks exit the AP style bewildered, dazed, frustrated, resentful and exhausted, all the while looking for all those supposed benefits that are always painted so beautifully. It took me more than a year to realize it was following AP that was causing so much stress in my life, and not just because I got a “bad sleeper.” I am convinced that if I had followed a more structured routine, the majority of my first year – two year ills would have been eliminated. And I wouldn’t have spent a year recovering from the physical toll it took on my body.
I know everyone says, “Well, every child and family is different.” Which is true, but it may be way too late in the game once you realize it is not working for you (like the parents that walk into Emily’s practice 6-7 months in) to change course easily. A baby that is used to co-sleeping and nursing on demand all night long will not easily let go of that without hours of screaming, which no parent wants to do. You end up exhausted, frustrated and feeling stuck, not to mention guilty if you do resort to cry it out methods that you originally thought you would circumvent by your compassionate parenting choice.
So Emily, you mean my ranting and raving about AP almost ruining MY life didn’t inspire this post?
Thanks for writing. People need to hear it.
Of course our rantings and ravings inspired this post, JoAnne! I was thinking of you the whole time I wrote it!
“(nursing every hour is not compassionate unless a baby has some serious development needs that require it)”
And yet this is exactly how women in traditional cultures breastfeed… without watching the clock. Women who do not reading parenting books nurse this way in other words.
Nursing every hour is baby wants/needs it is a good idea. A good percentage of babies DO need to nurse frequently because they have an undiagnosed frenulum issue – so many Pediatricians are ignorant of this issue and as parents we don’t recognize it either. A baby who is struggling because of this could easily slip into failure to thrive if their mother tried to schedule their feedings.
AP is designed to raise happy, healthy, compassionate and kind children. I am sorry to say, I do not see any of that in your posts. Please remember that by debating every point another makes, you are ostracizing them from the AP community.
To blanket say pediatricians, who have the highest level of education possible, are required to do CEU’s and would lose their license by a lawsuit in a heartbeat do not understand childrens needs is irresponsible.
I can only continue to point out that by taking such an extreme stance and argueing every point made with people on this board is NOT representative of us AP parents who believe in what is best for the child.
I have been a preschool teacher for 10 years, and I have noticed that children who were raised in the strict AP style (according to what their parents tell me) are often less independent and less confident than other children. They seem quieter and more afraid to be on their own. Of course temperaments vary widely, and this is by no means a scientific study, but I have noticed this time and again!
That’s interesting, Michelle! Thanks for sharing.
I have noticed this too!
It’s a valuable discussion, thanks for sharing honestly. I have no doubt that so many of us can share perspectives and experiences, both positive and negative, from both ends of the “parenting” spectrum (I know I can, LOL). Like one of the commenters above, I don’t like the label “attachment parenting…” I don’t think it really embraces the heart behind the practices and traditions. But we have to call it something, so AP it is. As I think through this issue, I see the potential for parents to take reactionary measures against a frustrating…even exhausting…experience. They may tend to (forgive the horrid idiom) throw the baby out with the bathwater.
Babywearing and cosleeping are natural, traditional practices…they are beneficial for baby and for mama (and dad, too). Babies need and deserve the close nurturing, the intimacy and security, that comes from both. I don’t think we need “studies” to tell us what our instincts tell us. It is easier for baby to sleep with mom for night nursings; babies tend to sleep better next to a parent (heart and breathing patterns). It is not natural (nor even completely safe) for a baby to sleep alone in her own room. Scheduling nursing can (and has) lead to malnourished babies, as it doesn’t take into account each child’s unique needs and physiology. I’ve seen (and experienced) attempts to sleep train that simply didn’t work…after nights of torment for both child and parent, the attempt was abandoned (but this, I think, is due to misunderstood health issues in baby).
Of course we need balance. Moms need sleep, too. Naps for baby/child are a good thing! And maybe a bassinet by mom’s bed helps mom to tend to baby at night but also sleep without developing “nursing neck” (you know what I mean, ladies! LOL) Moms shouldn’t be so extreme that they are wearing themselves to a frazzled nub, unable to function and mother, and we also shouldn’t expect a baby to be an autonomous being devoid of the crucial need for contact nurturing. One extreme would be wearing one’s baby all day and most of the night, not bathing, not peeing, hardly eating, and not liking it. Another extreme is always having baby in a high chair, bouncy seat, stroller, crib, etc. Neither scenario is desirable. I went through four different baby carrier styles with three children to find what worked best for me (and baby). After using a sling, mei tai, moby wrap and ergo carrier, I found the ergo to be the most comfy for me and it worked for baby, too. I loved wearing my babies…I made the mistake of wearing my toddlers when I should have put them down. We all learn where we need to draw the line. But I don’t think we should or would advise moms to never wear their babies…it feeds our heart and soul as much as theirs.
In my experience working with parents and children, I have seen many babies needing physical healing, often unbeknownst to parents. I’d suggest that AP isn’t the enemy, but that some cases of “frazzled mom” are due to a child really needing systemic healing. A constantly fussy, unhappy baby isn’t “normal.” Colic and baby acne are not “normal,” they are the manifestation of food sensitivities/allergies. Even in breastfed babies…they can react to ANYthing in the breastmilk. Overlooking the signs that your baby is reacting poorly to foods or is suffering gut dysbiosis will certainly make both baby and you miserable. If you are desperately using AP methods with a fussy, unhappy, uncomfortable, sleepless baby, you need to seek healing for the baby…you’ll see a big improvement in behaviour, comfort and your sanity level. I learned through personal experience and in working with others that it is crucial to identify these issues early on.
My concern is when I hear moms talk about making parenting lifestyle choices based only on their needs…what makes them comfortable. That isn’t the right perspective, any more than it would be to do everything all the time to please baby at the expense of your genuine health. But we need to recognize that parenting requires sacrifice. If I was thinking only of myself, I certainly wouldn’t do much of what I do…I wouldn’t extend breastfeed, I wouldn’t prepare from scratch traditional nourishing foods, I wouldn’t homeschool. We all chose to do things that are right and good for our children even when it makes our lives more difficult.
I don’t think AP itself is the problem, I think we can find balance. Our society is becoming increasing “detached” and dehumanized. We need more connectedness with one another, more intimacy with our children, not less. And we need our sanity and our health. I think we can achieve both. Babywearing and cosleeping and nursing without a schedule (and beyond 1 year) are healthy for both mind and body, for both mom and baby. Our goal should be to practice these natural processes with wisdom, balance and love.
Thank you, Gabi, this was everything I was thinking but didn’t know how to share
Discussions about controversial issues always bring to my mind the swinging pendulum of a clock. To one side, there is the radical view. To the other side, there is the opposing radical view. And in the middle, where the pendulum rests, is balance. We all swing to one side and then to the other when confronted with ideas that challenge our previously held beliefs, but the goal would be to eventually come to a resting and peaceful place in the middle!
We had a totally different experience having twins. It’s worked out that ALL forms of parenting styles have helped us in some way throughout the past 16 months. You name it, we’ve done it or tried it (well, except spanking). Not being held captive by any one “theory” or “expert” but reading a ton and taking what was right for our family at that particular moment in time was lifesaving. Babies change so much and so quickly, and it was important to allow ourselves as parents to change and grow with them, instead of getting preoccupied with making them fit into a certain mold that a parenting guru espoused.
I decided early on that I would not give in to mama-guilt, as much as I was able, and I’ve begun to sense/observe that many parents’ abhorrence of a certain parenting style is due to an insecurity or wound in their own life. Probably not true for everyone, but certainly true for me. Just a thought.
Hear, hear! Beautifully put.
Hi -
Thank you for sharing your journey and struggle with attachment parenting. I really appreciate how thoughtful you were about choosing a path that works for your family and that you are wanting to help other families! When you write “These parents are faced with the choice to wait it out (usually until around 3 years of age) or the dreaded “cry it out” method.” I would like to add that there is a 3rd method which is the “Crying in arms approach” which is promoted by Hand in Hand Parenting as well as Aware Parenting. Here is a link to an article who describes it: http://www.awareparenting.com/cryinginarms.htm and here is a link to a short broadcast http://www.handinhandparenting.org/uploads/media/16_Helping_Baby_Sleep.mp3. Unforunately, this approach is not widely known yet. I had a similar challenge with Attachment Parenting when it comes to sleep. The cyring in arms approach is based in Attachment Theory which is scientifically researched & backed up. Unfortunately, “crying it out” tends to be psychological harmful to babies and children. I hope this is helpful.
What a great post. Thanks for being so open and honest.
I’m curious, what feeding strategy did you use with your daughter since you said you didn’t use Gina Ford’s?
I look forward to hearing your answer. Thanks!
Hi Holly – Thank you. I breast fed both my babies on demand. It just so happened though, that baby #2 demanded a lot less feeding since she was sleeping more.
I feel that the point needs to be raised that the article contains 1 bias – a LOT of parents are “unseasoned” with their first child and do things differently (or better) the second time around. Which means that perhaps it was not the “AP” method that was the problem, but just our natural naivité. We made a lot of mistakes with our first that we won’t repeat with our second child.
Hi Sarah – Very true.. Parenting the first time around is certainly like a walk in the pitch-black dark!
Great post, thank you! I sleep trained my son, he took about 6 months & a lot of help to learn how to go to sleep. I carried him as often as practical b
But he slept in his own cot most of the time. We are all happier for it now at 9 months & he is very well attached & thriving.
We practice quite a bit of AP around here. My 2.5 year old co-sleeps, is weaned and gets put in a carrier only if he is sick and really needs comfort when I have to do something like make dinner. He has always been on the high end of the charts and though I am very petite I was able to wear him just fine for as long as he wanted. My husband and I have a great sex life (there are plenty of places other than a bed to enjoy your spouse) and though I am not a heavy sleeper I am plenty rested. My kid takes naps almost every day, sometimes by himself and sometimes someone stays just long enough for him to fall asleep. He was breastfed to sleep until about 13 months when he dropped that feeding and then weaned himself at 15 months. AP has not been detrimental to his, or my, sleep patterns and in fact I think it made him a more confident sleeper. He has his own bed to use when he wants to but he seems to have some pretty intense (scary) dreams, just like mommy, and so he sleeps more soundly in the same room with us. We respect our kid, his feeling and his choices. We respect the fact that he is 2 years old and does things sometimes because he can’t not do it, not because he’s trying to make our lives miserable. We practice positive discipline and responsibility for one’s actions. Honestly, he is the most friendly, outgoing, adventurous, kind kid I know. He says please and thank you without being asked, he apologizes to other kids without prompting and shares what he has quite readily. I have never told him to apologize or made him use manners. We simply model the behavior we would like to see, respect him enough to make his own choice about when to use the behaviors and let things be. The respect is key. AP is really about allowing your child to be their own person, without you making a ton of decisions for them. It is not my responsibility to put my kid to sleep, it’s his. What is my responsibility is to create the conditions for yes and to pay attention to the signs that my kid is putting out. All of the things my kid is capable of may be his temperament or maybe the AP style that we naturally gravitated too, you never know. But I think the one thing that is very important is that people stop blaming AP for creating problem children or kids who are shy, sleep training could very well be blamed for these same things on the other end of the spectrum. Beware the judgments folks, there may be a lot more going on that you know and it may have nothing to do with someone’s parenting style.
I am ALL about it
I am floored at your guts to put this out there! And I completely agree.
I did things differently with each one of them according to their needs. I’m thinking that is what AP is all about? Listening to them? All I know is that I needed to have order and sanity in my house. Working on a little sleep training at the approriate age gave me that sanity. *That age* was different for each girl 
I embrace many aspects of AP, and some I just can’t agree with. I baby wear…but I sleep train….I take a whole foods approach…but I discipline. Gotta do whats in your heart and what works for your baby 
Congrats on the fantastic post – you deserve it!
Sometimes I feel like because I’m a part of the real food world that maybe some look at me in disgust that I sleep trained my girls…like they will not be well adjusted and have self esteem. I have grown to experience this is not true. My girls are polar opposites
Our kids slept through the night early (ranging from 8-12 weeks), but we didn’t have to do any cry-it-out (and we weren’t willing to, especially when they were so young). I knew there was a window of opportunity around 3 months or so. So our kids slept in our room, next to our bed in bassinet for the first 2 1/2 or 3 months. Then around 3 months, we moved them to their room, in a crib.
Around 4 months, naptimes in their cribs began. Before that, they were sleeping in my arms during the day, or in a bassinet in the living room.
I liked some babywearing, but it got to be too hard on my neck even with an Ergo (childhood injury) when they got bigger.
I like at the end how you said each baby will respond differently. We definitely shouldn’t try to force our children to fit a certain mold or philosophy that we believe it. Sounds like your baby didn’t even like the baby wearing if he cried the while time. We tried with all our might to have our boys cry it out-epic fail. I don’t know why, but they only responded to co-sleeping. I’m glad we were flexible enough as new parents to find what truly worked the best for our babies and our family. I think we practice the emotional side of Attachment Parenting, but we certainly don’t feel like we have to follow all the standard AP “rules”. But I will say this, I feel that our local AP group is more extreme and every time I voice my more moderate flexible ideas, they are shot down if they go against those “must follow rules”. It’s too bad-I don’t think that’s how Dr. Sears explained AP at all. And it gives new moms a strange perspective on parenting that can bring a lot of stress.
I love this post. I think we can be so cruel to ourselves and even to others when we get hung up on the right way to _______. It happens with food, parenting, relationships, belief systems, etc. I’m glad you shared your story here and were willing to open up about how this all looked for you. I think other people will find comfort and validation in it, and I know that it made me feel like I am not alone.
Oh, and I recommend the Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child book, too. I really liked that I was about to balance loving my sons and being there for them, but also valuing their brain development and well being with providing tools and space and support for them to get adequate sleep. Whew! They’re both good little sleepers now
I have co-slept with all of my children at one point or another. My son, now 4.5, slept in our bed from the start until he was a year old and we did CIO to transistion him to a crib, similar to how you described and it was heartbreaking and took over a week to get him to sleep in under an hour. We transistioned him to a twin bed at 2 so we could lay with him for nap and bed and he would be out almost instantly. We still lay with him each night until he is asleep. 4-5nights a week we wake up with him in our bed. He nursed for 18months due to pregnancy. He was worn constantly as a newborn/infant and it still continues now at 4.5 on a weekly basis.
My daughter, now 3, never liked the idea of co-sleeping until she was 2. She wanted her space and did not like to be snuggled when she was tired. I would nurse her and she’d push me away. I’d lay her in her crib and she wouldn’t fuss but drift peacefully to sleep, no crying at all, again similar to how you described but it wasn’t by my choice. She nursed for 32months. She was worn daily as a newborn and infant and had created her own schedule by 8weeks of naps (sleeping 2-3hrs for both daytime naps) and sleeping 8pm-6am, waking at midnight, at 6weeks. When she was 2 we moved and she started wanting to be in our bed and we let her. We still lay with her daily for naps and bedtime.
My 2.5m old is rarely put down. I’d say in a 24hr period she is down, out of my arms, MAYBE 2hrs a day aside from bedtime where she sleeps from 8pm-3am without waking. She is worn almost constantly, because that is where she is the most content, and she sleeps with us, in our bed. She is also breastfed.
There are struggles to the whole co-sleeping, breastfeeding, baby wearing but for me personally the pros outweigh the cons. I sleep great and though my back is sore at times, a quick trip to the chiropractor helps so much. For me, personally, “AP” is what makes sense, keeping my children as close to me as they want to be and meeting every need they have as soon as I can. Letting my child cry and not tending to it, is not something I can do. Now that doesn’t mean my child doesn’t cry, but there is something to be said about meeting their needs right away, even if that need is just to be held.
No judgement…I am just sharing what we do.
This is what happens when a parent “pretends” to not know what to do with a baby. Follow your instincts firstly. Why do you think you have them? And if something doesn’t seem right, then it isn’t. Attachment parenting somehow got confused with the child development idea of creating a child that is attached. Look up Magda Gerber to find out a little about what attachment is about.
Although with instincts, in my working with families and children I have many a parent say to me, ” I know nothing about babies and children. I wouldn’t know a baby’s bum from its mouth”. I have seen some children show signs of failure to thrive and some developmental delays because the parent’s ‘instincts’ failed to kick in. And these people were from all walks of life.
Why do parents have to ‘choose’ a style of parenting? Just parent the Child you have been blessed with in the way that you and he/she need. It’s like the ‘natural/home-birth’ verses hospital/assisted birth. There is no one way that is ‘best’ for all. And please don’t judge another parent for his/her choice, put their methods down to praise your own, but rather support them. I have worked closely with children and families for over 25 years and do not see that children who were AP have any greater advantage in any area of their development to those who were not AP. In fact, I have seen the opposite in some areas of development and can often pick an AP infant/young child out. Some times I think that some aspects of parenting methods arise out of the adults insecurities, in which we place onto our children. If our children have different personalties to us, they may not respond to our perception of what is the ‘best way’ because it is not the best way for them. One of my 4 children would not be cuddled to sleep by any one or nursed to sleep. It just didn’t work for him and he actually fought it. And now as he has gotten older he prefers a ‘no fuss, leave me alone to go to sleep by myself’ approach to bedtime. But, one of my other kids loves to be cuddled to sleep from the first hour he was born until now being 4yrs old. Your child will not care whether you practised AP or some other approach, what they will remember is whether they felt loved, secure, fed and watered, sheltered, given time and attention, listened to, accepted, and had a warm and caring connection with you. Relationship is key, no matte how it is achieved.
I agree with you, so much! Why can’t being a present, intentional, loving parent be enough? Why does a label need to be attached? It seems like alot of these “philosophies” are more for the benefit of the parent and justifying one’s decisions, than for the benefit of the child. “Relationship is key…” That has always got to be the bottom line.
While wearing your baby may not be for everyone, I wanted to add that it is entirely possible for most people to properly wear a baby, toddler, or even preschooler with no pain, provided proper technique and an appropriate carrier are used. There are trained babywearing educators throughout the country who can assist with this. I’m sorry you weren’t able to have a pain free wearing experience but I wouldn’t want your experience to discourage anyone else from trying b/c they think a heavy child or their physical attributes or condition automatically prevent them from doing so…
I’m the mother of a 23 month old fantastic little girl. DF and I AP’d from the start and I’m just now hearing about RIE and related practices. I stopped babywearing because it Killed my back and hips. No guilt over that but I’m in a really tough spot with the other AP type decisions we’ve made. This article really hit me. DD and I cosleep in a king size bed while DF (he was kicked out around DDs 8th month due to a move w a queen being the only option) Dd nurses constantly. 3-4-5 times a night. 2-3 in the morning. And through out the day. She will NOT sleep without nursing and I have to lay with her for 30-60 mins at night.
This is not working anymore. I’m getting angry. My back hurts from being squished in this bed. Me, 5’2 100 lbs and a tiny toddler, smushed like a cosleeping sandwich all night. I’m tired. I’m sick of nursing at night. I have no idea what to do. She screams absolute bloody murder if I try and change the routine. DF is clueless on how to care for her because I completely took over.
She’s very smart, sensitive, attentive, funny and has no problem if I go out for a bit while DF, nana or grandma watch her. She knows I’ll come home. She has no health issues. I credit her this to breastfeedinh.
Any advice on sleep training a toddler?? Please. Pleeeease
Of course she will scream “absolute bloody murder” if you try and change the routine. Unfortunately, if you want to change the routine and rules of sleeping and feeding, then you must accept some (maybe a lot) resistance. You are changing everything that she has known for the past 23 months of her life. Try changing only one part of the routine to start with, so you only pick one battle to fight and your toddler still has the security of the rest of the familiarity of her routine. I have heard of parents making up a bed on the floor at the foot of their bed to encourage them to sleep on their own but they are still close to you. It can be difficult for a breast feeding mother to wean her child because as she tries to offer other forms of comfort but the child smells her and her milk, so perhaps DF will need to help with this process. Perhaps you can try and stretch out the length between the feeds during the night first and leave her to access you to feed during the day, instead of going cold turkey on the breast feeds. You may need to stay home quite a bit for a few weeks while you work on this so you don’t have too many distractions and interruptions. I have never fed any of my 4 babies in my bed or had them in my bedroom to sleep, with the exception of the morning feed once they are older babies. I have always gotten up and out of my bed and fed them in their room or the living room. For this very reason – bed is for sleep, not food, no matter how sleep deprived I have been, and I have been extremely sleep deprived for years (3-4 hrs broken sleep a night). Perhaps you can try getting up and feeding your child in a chair or introduce them to a bed so you can lay with them and then leave their bed. My son wanted to be fed every 1 to 1.5 hours day and night from the first hour he was born and wanted to be cuddled or right next to me to sleep. So he went into a king single bed at 15 months because it was big enough for both of us to sleep on and I gradually removed myself from him over a period of months until I could leave him sleeping. So start with a cuddle, then just an arm around their body, then move your body away slightly, then try cuddling without getting into bed with them, so you gradually over time are removing more of your physical self from them but still remaining there while they learn to sleep without you. Keep doing this until your child can lay in their bed with just your hand on their back (so they can still feel your warmth and presence, slowly lessen the pressure of your hand on them, until you can leave the room. Some times, they may need you to be in the room for a little while so that if they wake you can immediately assure them that you are still there for them, until you can leave the room. I use to fold washing in my kids bedroom, then I would move to just outside their door way, and then up the hall way a little, so they cold hear me nearby, but were in their bed by themselves. It sound like a long drawn out process of more sleepless nights but my kids are extremely strong willed and this approach worked for them. However you may find that it doesn’t work for you. Try to minimise eye contact and talking with a simple but firm, “its sleep time now, you need to go to sleep in your own bed”. Hopefully something here might help you.
I strongly recommend The No Cry Sleep Solution (either the orginal book or the one for toddlers, depending on the age of your child). I don’t personally believe it is ever okay to walk out of a room and let a child scream alone until he throws up, as some of the so called experts say to do. I won’t say my none of my kids ever cried, but none of them were abandoned to cry alone in a dark scary room.
Great post, Emily! I’ve actually been down this same road, but not as a parent – as a professional. I’m a postpartum doula and my journey along the parenting continuum has led me to a Place of balance, where you can be in tune with your kids without being slaves to them. So many parents think a feeding and sleep rhythm means forcing your baby into YOUR way, by making them scream until they submit. But your experience is far more the norm – start gently from the beginning, and you won’t have these issues at all. Now, some kids don’t go so easily, and in those cases the whole family sleeps better co-sleeping. I always say, give them what they need – no less, no more.
I’m looking forward to reading more of your stuff!
I’m not a mother but one of these days I’ll be one and your post and these comments have given me a lot of think about.
Baby wearing is the norm in this part of the world and only recently people are using other methods(prams etc.) for carrying their babies. Most of the mothers are also very used to handling babies from a relative or friends’ babies. And needless to say the right posture is needed to wear your baby. I used a baby wearing bag(?) for sometime and abandoned it because it was hurting my shoulder and moved to the traditional way of wearing the baby with the hand. While it was not comfortable when our daughter became a bit heavier – she was a lean beauty from birth btw ! You may want to check the Gokhale method for back pains and understand the right posture of the traditional baby wearing methods – http://gokhalemethod.com/
Emily, I’m surprised that no one recommended chiropractic or magnesium supplements to you. Your symptoms sound a lot like a magnesium deficiency from the sciatica to the sleep issues (and your son’s sleep issues) and resulting symptoms as it tends to snowball. CALM, magnesium citrate and Magnesium Oil have been helpful for me since my acupuncturist (and seasoned AP mom) recommended them when DS was a baby.
I hope that you will pass along this information to similarly distressed parents along with your advice to sleep train. It doesn’t have to be wait it out/suffer or sleep train. I find it unfortunate that you did not find a good balance with your son but as a holistic counselor I hope that you would take a more balanced and *holistic* approach to counseling parents through this difficult phase of parenting rather than advocating extreme, either/or choices.
Hi MissMaryMac – Thanks for your comment.
I certainly did chiropractic care and magnesium supplements as well as a whole slew over other holistic measures to counteract the damage of sleep deprivation. but my fatigue primarily had to do with the fact that I was only getting around 4 hours of broken sleep for a very long stretch of time.
Unfortunately there is no substitute for sleep, and while I support a parents’ choice to parent how they see fit, there is not amount of bodywork or supplements that will magically make chronic sleep deprivation not detrimental to health.
I do not scorn someone who chooses co-sleeping or baby-wearing, I just think that there should be more info out there to support parents who choose to use different styles of parenting – hence this post.
Right, there are no supplements or bodywork that will replace a good nights sleep that’s why the magnesium supplements should be used as a proactive measure to promote restful sleep, not make up for lost sleep. The idea is to help the parents sleep stay even so that they do not wake fully through rooting to nurse or other movements in the bed. Magnesium deficiency can make us sleep lightly and be especially sensitive to those things, as well as effect our moods and patience during the day.
i cannot believe the amout of people on here who think its ok to not feed your baby during the night at such a young age!! 9 weeks!! poor child! they NEED to eat at night as that is when they grow and especially breast fed babies, your milk contains more fats and goodness at night than in the day, that is why they need to feed then.
the stress levels in him would be so high so so sad. Dont even say ‘well he only cried 20min the next night’ …..its because he knows there is no point, hes scared but doesnt want you now….brilliant parenting that!!
Also how often do you have a drink in the night?? why make them go 9/12 hours without one?? whenever i hear people brag about how long their babies sleep i cringe, its not normal, why have a child if you only want to care for it 12 hours a day?? its a life time thing 24/7!!! not from 7am till 7pm and ‘he only cried for 2 hours’ WOW that poor baby, can you imagine YOU crying for 2 hours with no comfort?? how awful
I really hope that other people who come here reading this because they are struggling with AP can see its just an attack on AP because it didnt work for the writer, I dont fully AP myself but i do work with the basic principles unlike this lady who has gone from one extreme to another with her kids, it doesnt have to be that black and white. If you have a child it means less sleep FACT if you cant hack it dont have one??! pretty simple!
ps – my daughter is the most happy content child, she is the most independent of all the kids at her playgroup and she barely crys you know why?? because she has never been left to starve at night or cry, so she knows that every time she needs me i am there so she doesnt have to guess if i will attend to her that time or not and scream to just make sure.
Dear oh dear,
It is exactly because of comments like this all over the AP community that I felt the need to write this post.
There are many ways to raise a child correctly, and as far as I can tell, you do not have the patent on proper parenting.
I sincerely thank you for sharing your thoughts here, and I am completely supportive of you parenting in the way that you see fit.
Likewise, I would deeply appreciate if you would respect the path of other parents that choose other methods.
We are all doing our best, and in most cases, children turn out just fine on either end of the AP spectrum.
Wishing you the best…
Love this, thank you! I think the sounds ideas of attachment THEORY have been sorely misapplied in the practice of attachment parenting. I love that you point out that there are simply different styles of parentng for each kid.
I coslept with my baby for 6 months when that was the best way, and then sleep trained him. Sleep is SO difficult, and I’m so tired of hearing AP parents suffering hugely for their babies rather than figuring out another way that works better for everyone in the family.
I really appreciated this post. In the crunchy, natural-living circles I run in, I sometimes feel like the outcast because I don’t co-sleep and actually sleep train my children (gasp). It’s just assumed that because I love whole foods, breastfeed, delay vaccination, and give birth at home that I obviously must co-sleep and wear my baby 24/7. (I do use a sling when I’m out and about b/c I need my hands free to wrangle my other kiddos, but at home he plays on the floor.) And people sometimes respond with shock and condescension when they find out I don’t.
All four of my boys, each with a unique temperament, have slept at least 10 hours nightly around 10 weeks, give or take. We started them off sleeping in their own space, falling asleep on their own, so we never had to do any cry-it-out. And if they did cry in the night, we knew something was wrong or they were hungry from a growth spurt. No, my children weren’t ever starving, nor were they left to cry for hours on end. They’re loved, healthy, well-adjusted and sweet.
That’s the way we do it, and it has worked for us.
But the thing that bothers me is a lack of respect towards others’ parenting decisions, even in some of the comments. I don’t need nor am I asking for everyone to agree with me or adopt my chosen method. If asked, I can tell you what worked for us and you can decide if that will work best for you. And if co-sleeping and nursing all night works for your family, I applaud you. But is it too much to ask for the same respect for those of us who choose to gently teach our children to sleep at night? Because at the end of the day, nobody’s out to screw up their kids. We’re all just mamas (& daddys) who are trying to parent with our family’s best interests at heart.
Well said!
Thank you for an honest heartfelt post about your own experience. As you say, every baby is different and will respond differently to different methods. There is no one way to raise a child, and you have to do what works for you. I wasn’t aware of attachment parenting when my son was an infant, but there seemed to be an awful lot of ‘rules’ about what I was supposed to do which often left me feeling that I was falling short of some unattainable ideal parenting model. My son is now a healthy, happy 19 year old and most of the ‘rules’ that made me feel inadequate and miserable are considered completely outdated and ‘wrong’.
Wow, mama, this is an awesome post! I did practice attachment parenting with my son, who is now almost 2.5 years old. And I do have a bad back and I do think that, for the most part, I did what felt the most right for me, but as a new mom, I definitely adhered to AP, thinking that it would make everything easier. What I found is that my son actually needs more boundaries, more discipline, and actually I saw your baby’s blue vein post and I’m gonna go read that next because I think that might have something to do with it. But yeah, I think attachment parenting failed for me, and then I breastfed for about 6 months longer than I had actually wanted to. I co-slept but I moved my son into his own bed at 2, which felt good for me.
Sleep training a baby is kind of a scary topic for me, I think because of all the AP stuff I read, but now that I am hoping for a second baby, I am going to look into it, I’m going to read your other post.
I did wear my baby for about 18 months then I moved to my mom’s house and she had a stroller and it was awesome. My son was actually much happier and so was I. But I’ve gotta say that the months on end that I wore him as a baby were awesome for me. I had a really good carrier.
But anyway, I think you’ve inspire me to write my second book. My first one’s on elimination communication and I added in all sorts of things to this book about bringing a balance to the practice, because it also has very, very extreme views in some realms of the EC world. A lot of my readers are asking for a book on attachment parenting but one that will actually solve their sleep problems and things like that, and so, I think you’ve inspired my second book. I just wanna thank you so much!
Sorry! I was really tired when I posted my above reply…I meant “I DON’T think attachment parenting failed for me, ALTHOUGH I DID breastfeed for about 6 months longer than I had actually wanted to.”
)
Thanks Andrea! Glad you appreciated it, and thanks for sharing with your readers.
Uh. Ok I think some people take AP way to literally. They think that if they just do the Bs perfectly for like two years it will all be great. What is more important is the overall philosophy of AP, you know, responding to your infant and toddler, not using coercion or punishment, being respectful, treating kids like they are the humans they are. If you read up on it, like actually read Dr. Sear’s book cover to cover, you find that he’s actually very open to doing what is right for your family, which might mean skipping some of the Bs. Personally I did very little baby wearing, it just hurt my back too much and my son was born in summer, so it was too hot to hold him that way. We got a stroller and it was amazing. But I still consider myself an AP mom, I didn’t flunk out of AP momdom because I rarely babywore. You can formula feed and still be an AP mom. Not EVERY AP mom bedshares. The Bs are just tools for in case you are feeling disconnected from your child, you can go back to them to help that connection. I loved AP when I read about it because it was so open, it was the first place where I saw anyone write about how it’s OK to bedshare, in fact it might make your life easier. Not everyone’s life, but I think I got more sleep than most moms for that first year of my sons life because I coslept, not in spite of it. AP is made out to be this exclusive cult but if you actually read the books and go to the parent meetings and play groups, you find that it really is not. Everyone is different, everyone does things slightly differently, and we ALL make plenty of mistakes.
Thank you. It’s generally the rabid, wild-eyed first time mamas (many who are still in the identity phase of their OWN development) who are so hyperbolic about what THEIR family will/won’t do (AP snobbery)…and the same mamas a year or two later who are so wrung out and bitter that life isn’t formulaic…who end up giving AP a bad name.
Most of us who are still practicing AP aren’t talking about it much because we’re doing it pragmatically, in moderation, and too busy life to crusade for/against it. ;oP
Well stated! Amen!
I consider myself an attachment parent. I love AP philosophy. I love my AP mom friends. The AP’ed kids I know are pretty cool, too! But I gotta agree with you about the sleep thing. Similar to you, I ended up sleep training when my son was about 13 months old. It was very hard, but the hard part lasted only one night. And it was done, and my husband and I were both in bliss. We had been spending an hour each night getting him to bed… and I had been busy running up and downstairs when he wanted a snack before I had gone to bed. I still nursed on demand and I didn’t wean until he was past his second birthday. I never felt any resentment over those things; these are things that I loved and cherished.
I never sleep trained my daughter. Instead I just expected her to figure it out because I now had two young kids to take care of in the daytime, I needed to sleep at night! She was sleeping through the night at 3 or 4 months old. She’s never had to cry it out, well, not for more than one minute anyway! I think that is what APers don’t get – set your kid on the course in the beginning and it is not necessary to CIO. It is also not necessary to be sleep deprived. I think it is hard though, to set down a sweet sleepy nursling. With my daughter I only did it out of necessity. It’s all worked out quite nicely!
Kudos to you for braving this terrain. I looked into AP with our first child and I think we took a more hybrid approach too. Some things just DIDN’T work for me eventually, so I had to drop them/modify them. Both of my kids slept with us as newborns because frankly, it is easy, they are unwiggly and you get a lil more sleep. But once they became movers, and I became VERY uncomfortable with them in the bed, I moved them to their own bassinet right beside me. They were still close, I still responded, nursed (and many times fell asleep with them latched, only to wake up and move them) and WE BOTH got more sleep.
With our first, we started with The Sleep Lady’s (Kim West) method of sleep coaching around 4 months. You are still with them, so no screaming it out, and they learn they are safe and can go back to sleep on their own. Introducing this at a young age was SOOOO worth it! With our second, we used her method around 6 months. I wore both of my babies for awhile but they simply got too heavy before they were even one!
Sometimes I feel bad that I didn’t let them sleep with us more, or that I didn’t have them latched and attached more, but at the same time, I was home with them 24/7, they learned how to explore and interact in the most secure place they could be. My 2 year old is still a super-momma’s-boy, but when the back starts aching, we go find other things to do together, like tickle-time, or read a book, etc. I think if something is making you stressed, in pain, or angry, then you should reevaluate and adjust for everyone’s good. That’s a great parent! Real attachment means and includes so much more. I absolutely know that AP works for so many people and is a great movement, but when it’s taken as “rule” and not as “guide” it can become quite unattaching!
Just wanted to share this as an FYI. Take what you will from it. I have enjoyed reading all of the comments.
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/moral-landscapes/201112/dangers-crying-it-out
Wow your post about your first child and his sleep is almost identical to my story. We are still nursing at 28 months but it’s very painful and I want to wean. He still isn’t a great sleeper and I have had to resort to CIO with him. Please take the time to read this if you get the chance, I think you will appreciate it! http://beautifulinhistime.com/2013/01/24/my-slow-journey-away-from-attachment-parenting/
I’m always really confounded when I meet people so bitter/disillusioned about something to the point they feel the need to make a public statement about it. It genuinely puzzles me.
I sleep share, breastfeed, baby wear, and discipline my kids non punitively…but that doesn’t define me as a parent. :shrug: I don’t baby wear around the house constantly; as soon as they can play on the floor, they do. They fuss sometimes. If I go running, someone watches baby or she rides in a stroller. (and, for seriously…how CAN you hike without wearing your baby? ;oP Unless you’re hiking a paved trail, which isn’t really hiking XOP) I’ve nursed children up until 3.5 years old, but they have definite limits so I’m not at all at their beck and call by toddlerhood.
I think the thing that will drive us absolutely MAD as parents is an inability to be at peace with our own moderate choices. Flexibility is invaluable. I can’t demand that my life be exactly the same with all the freedoms I possessed before parenthood, and I also can’t demand that I “practice” any philosophy to the point that it damages our relationship/my health. There’s a happy medium to be had…by baby #4, I really don’t even think twice about my “parenting choices”. It’s just LIFE, you know? <3
I really enjoyed your comment thanks for sharing! I am certainly not defined by babywearing breastfeeding or cosleeping even though most of the things I do are “attachment parenting”, for me its just life. I had a colicky baby and the only way he would sleep is on me or nursing or being bounced, I wasn’t about to just let a refluxy baby cry. But I also enjoy being close to my babies. But I don’t wear them constantly, when they are capable of crawling around or sitting and playing I let them do so! I am still nursing my 4 yr old and while he does need more limits and it has drained so much of my energy at times because of he is high needs, I am not blaming AP, I chose to do those things with him.
I found this post really interesting! I have a 14 month old that we primarily AP, but for us it’s been following our gut and doing whatever works for all three of us, not about what any book/website/family member says we should be doing. She was an incredibly high needs baby and would get so upset if she was left to cry it out on her own for any reason, she’d get so stuffed up she literally couldn’t breathe, let alone sleep. Alternately, I could wear her and she’d be an angel. It was better for everyone’s sanity and sleep to hold her constantly and share sleep for the first six months of her life. She learned to sit by herself at four months and was crawling by six, so it certainly didn’t delay any development, and as soon as she could move around she was much more content to be on the floor exploring. Now at fourteen months, she’s still not a great sleeper, but she’s one of the happiest and most content babies I know, and we hear our friends with kids say this about her repeatedly. I honestly think that it’s mostly her temperament, but I do believe she would have shut down if we had tried to schedule her too early. She was just too needy. We are reaching the point where we are starting to discipline. I’ve found Dr. Sears’ The Discipline Book to be extremely helpful. AP is NOT about not disciplining your kids! It’s about doing it in a positive manner. Big difference. That being said, Dr. Sears’ is just the first of many books on my list to read and take what I want and leave the rest.
The biggest thing that stuck out to me in this post is that you mentioned that neither you nor your husband had any baby experience. That’s huge! I’ve seen countless parents, including several close friends, go to parenting extremes (AP or CIO) based on books rather than instinct. Sometimes I wish that all my mom friends were more like me, but I think my approach to parenting is much more balanced than if we all thought alike.
Thanks for sharing your experiences
I think any form of labeling on parenting creates barriers between mamas, when we should just be supporting each other. It’s really amazing how much information is out there, and I feel this causes un-necessary stress among new mothers. I practiced AP, but never called it that, because I didn’t read any books about it. It was completely intuitive for me. So, on the outside, my parenting styles were similar to AP’s…Co-sleeping (only because of practicality, i was living in guatemala, our house was the size of an american bedroom!), baby carrying, etc.. But I think the big difference between me and AP mamas was the fact that I set boundaries, never gave choices or explanations, and changed our routine when it was no longer working. (at the age of 2 I bought my daughter a little wooden bed, where she sleeps, without a problem). We really need to be less rigid and gaging our children;s needs. I heard of a mother whos 3 yr old would hit and bite her constantly as she nursed, and demanded it 10 times a day. How is that healthy? And just like the woman who wrote the article.. how is baby carrying and nursing on demand (after 6 months) healthy for you and baby IF the parent is stressed! MORE important than any parenting “STYLE” is being present with your child, and validating them as human beings. It really does not matter if you push your child in a stroller or have them in a basinet as an infant.. what matters is that you are paying attention, and creating new scenarios with each developmental stage. Nursing a grown child who keeps you up all night is of NO benefit to the child or mother. Lets move away from rigidity and begin to slow down, and do what feels intuitively correct for us and our children. <3 blessings to all the mamas who are just trying to do their best~
I have 3 kids & we have raised them the exact same way. Nursed them to sleep & they slept in our bed until they could roll over, at which point, I’d nurse to sleep, then when they’d wake in the middle of the night (if they did), I’d take them back to bed with me & either nurse to sleep (or if weaned), or let them snuggle next to me in my bed. This had 3 separate outcomes:
#1: My firstborn son – I weaned him off of that last night time nursing by 10 months. He started talking really, really early (6 months – I’m not making this up: he said “nilk” and “boobie” by 6 months), I was new at babies & this freaked me out. He took great naps, and slept through the night around 4 months or so. After this point, he never needed to come back to bed with us except for the occasional 5am-er, when I was NOT going to wake up & he was content to snuggle in bed for another hour & a half. This boy napped well and consistently, and eventually only gave it up at around age 3.
#2: My daughter – screamed her lungs out from birth until around 2 years old. BUT she’d sleep through the night almost immediately. she’d sleep until 5am, then need to be nursed, then would go back to sleep for another 2 or 3 hours. She transfered to her crib when she could roll over & it was no problem at all. She just stayed asleep. Later, she had a hard time going to sleep (at around age 2 and a half) – but once she was asleep, she was asleep. She would not nap after the age of 1. Unless it was in the car – at which point she wouldn’t go to bed until midnight or so.
#3 – My youngest son – Absolutely would not sleep unless a body part (foot, finger, arm, elbow, back, tushie, head, etc) was touching me in some way. It was very very very tricky getting him to sleep in his crib. I weaned him at 14 months or so. I had to wean him completely because he WOULD NOT EVER sleep for a babysitter with a bottle, and I play music – so babysitters are necessary mostly at night. Now he goes to bed without a bottle (at 22 months) in his crib, so long as I wait next to him until he’s asleep. He could wake anywhere from 11pm – 6am depending on Lord only knows what. Sometimes, he’ll fuss for a few seconds & go back to sleep, but usually, he still needs to sleep next to either me or my husband. This is a boy who is terrified of being alone. He also doesn’t nap well, unless he is held or is in the car.
I think that it all comes down to personality: yours and your baby’s. Each of my three kids was parented exactly the same way, but were 3 different adventures. The youngest is by far the most outwardly loving. Gives the most kisses & hugs – and he is incredibly easy-going…. except when it comes to night time. We tried cry it out (against my better judgement), but it didn’t work at all. He’d cry for 45 minutes & still not go to sleep. I take him back into bed with me still, because with 3 kids, by god I need my sleep
Everyone’s different. I’m really glad you’ve found what works for you
YES, YES, YES! I could not agree more with this post! I absolutely think parts of AP part of the time were fabulous for our family, but I too would have gone insane (and in pain!) practicing it all, all the time. It’s like most things in life, you take what works for you and yours, and leave the rest. For example, I’m all for nursing on demand…within reason! And I adore co-sleeping…for about 6-8 months! And baby wearing has only ever worked for me when they are tiny, and even then only for short periods of time. Thankfully, I am easily the “crunchiest” of my friends, so I didn’t have a lot of pressure to fully conform to AP, but I greatly appreciate you sharing your against the grain view point, and I appreciate the validation from a professional in the crunchy world
As a side note, I highly recommend the book Good Night, Sleep Tight by Kim West of http://www.sleeplady.com/. She offers a fabulous alternative to the old CIO method, while still getting your baby to go to sleep on their own in their own bed. Her methods may take more time and effort on the parent’s part, but in my experience, it was more than worth it for my little Love. Her methods of sleep “coaching” are gradual and gentle, and really sit well with my degrees in psychology and counseling. 
I just found your blog through Stephanie and Mama and Baby Love. I love your blog. I’m having a great time checking out your amazing posts. Your blog will be a great tool as I slowly transition my family to a real food, non-toxic, chemical-free, more natural lifestyle.
Aw! Thanks Tiffany! Glad to be part of your transformation.
This is so interesting and thanks for being so honest about your experiences. I suppose I view AP as not a set of prescriptions that you need to follow but more an attitude to parenting. In between having my first and second child I read a lot about RIE – which many AP parents hate. I think they are both facinating and definatley not mutually exclusive. Even though AP suggest co-sleeping and babywearing and RIE suggests encouraging babies to sleep through as early as possible and allowing freedom of movement. But even though the tools are different – it is essentially all about listnening to your babies particular needs. I think we all need to look beyond any one “type” of parenting and be the parent our child and ourselves need us to be. So if that means not co-sleeping so be it! We have a definate combi approach here. Co-slept in the very early days (till 4 months each time), breast fed first but due to many problems my second was bottle fed (but in many ways fed more respectfully, one on one time with no TV on!) I babywear and love it – but my second spent large amounts of time on the floor learning how to entertain herself (and very happy she was to!). No one single approach works – and thats ok….
I about cried from reading this entry. My first I didn’t use AP style with and I felt so guilty. With #2 I dove in AP style and now at 19 months, the resentment, sleep deprivation, and the body pains are slowly taking over my body and psyche. I’m done with the all night nursing, wearing my almost 30 lb baby, and the GUILT!!!! I’m sad to read that I’m pretty much screwed in getting my kid to sleep alone without some crying. I am however glad you wrote this. I’m glad to know that I’m not alone in feeling guilt and that AP parents are very opinionated in their perfect child rearing style. I’m relieved to see that a hybrid of this style can work!
I didn’t have a “plan” for how to parent our first child and didn’t know the term “Attachment Parenting” until he was 2 or 3, but sure enough, we attachment parented- to our and our childs own detriment! He nursed round the clock- 20+ hours per day for months. I would be a break for the bathroom and meal prep, a shower maybe and if he could be coaxed into falling asleep in a swing. I had a surgery which left me unable to lift him for several months so I would hold him for hours and since i didn’t want to disturb my husband several times a night to put him in and out of the crib, he slept with us and nursed all night. When I could carry him again, he loved being in a sling. He nursed all night until 20 months when he HAD to be weaned because he was nursing so much at night that I had a threatened miscarriage at 12 weeks into my second pregnancy. He ended up sleeping with us until he was 2.5 and had a baby brother in the other room in his own crib! After moving to his own bed he still required my arm to stroke to go to sleep, often taking upwards of an hour at nap and bedtimes before I could slip it out of his hands and leave the room. Well, with #2 I was determined to do things differently! I read a book called “On Becoming Babywise”, and it made ALOT of sense to me- sometimes babies NEED to cry- to relieve excess energy, but mainly they DO get used to sleeping on their own and quite happily. I still nursed every 2-3 hours during the day and 1-3x per night but it wasn’t constant and I could sleep for decent stretches of time at night! I have used the same practice with my 3rd and still nurse him at night at 22 months but have had so much more rest and better health with my 2nd and 3rd babies. Now at nearly 6, nearly 4 and nearly 2 they are all healthy and well adjusted but the first fellow is still the neediest and I directly attribute it to his first 2 years, he just doesn’t have the same level of self confidence and self reliance.
I often feel quite shamed by the communities I frequent, for having let my kids “cry it out” but really it hasn’t been much crying and has made a huge improvement in our quality of life.
THANK YOU!!! This is seriously the best post about AP I’ve ever read…
A very refreshing post and follow-up comments. So nice to get away from the orthodoxy! I nursed till my daughter was three (now 18!!!) but son only til a little after 2 (when he lost interest). Every child is different. I remember feeling that I was in a fog the entire time that I was nursing and never knew whether it was the nursing or the sleep deprivation. But of course would never seriously consider any other way of feeding a baby. I think that we need to go beyond the sort of outward manifestations of AP, like baby-wearing and co-sleeping, to really forming an emotional bond with them. Being now a mother of teens, I would simply like to add that attachment parenting continues as my babies go further out into the world but are attached by sensible bonds of love to the adults in their lives who keep connected. Share the love.
Thank-you for this article! It was great to finally see someone say the middle road is OK! I like some aspects of AP, but I can’t stand the “greater than thou” attitude I get from most people who practice it. Just be a PARENT, spend time with your kids and babies and they will develop just fine!
Hello there!!
As a health-minded momma I was just as clueless before having my baby boy. I thought it would all come naturally once the baby was in my arms. And most of the people I looked up to or from whose websites I read because I admired them, were AP advocates, so the little bits I knew, were from AP. My son was born in a hospital, through a very traumatic birth, which caused us to have problems breastfeeding. This led to our first hurdle of new motherhood: when I had to stop breastfeeding I had to deal with the feeling of inadequacy brought on my unfulfilled expectations, placed by myself before his birth and deepened by other people’s downright anger against me for ‘bottle-feeding’ my baby. In the middle of researching and switching from commercial formulas (which were destroying his little tummy) to homemade formula (from a WAPF mom’s blog) we had been dealing with zero sleep, I was falling fast into the vortex of PPD and was missing my family and could have begged anyone for help (i had no one). So when some of my AP online acquaintances started running down ‘Babywise’, I had to find out what it was, and once I did, we bought the book and applied the principles to our little 9 week old baby. He took to it so well: first night he cried for 15min, second night for 5min, 3rd night he didn’t cry. Now he’s nearly a 2 year old who sleeps 12 hours at night and takes a 2-3 hour nap in the middle of the day. Happy, obedient, well-mannered child. When my AP acquaintances were looking down on me for being such a “horrible parent” I felt I was horrible, but when they’d complain about how their 2 or 3 year old still doesn’t sleep through the night or how their 18 month olds still needs breastfeeding 2 or 3 times per night to make it through, I am grateful I chose the route I chose. I am with you in believing every child and mother is different and there are different strategies for parenting, nobody should be looked down for their choices as parents, we should encourage and understand the hardships innate to this journey and offer help when needed (not advice, but help). This coming from a momma who was at the end of all the brunt malice of others because of my parenting choices (scheduled naps, bottle feeding of a non-white liquid, amber necklaces, and essential oils, oh my!). Loved this post, I wish I had found it sooner, because it makes me feel a bit vindicated, and hopefully more mothers out there who’s AP attempts aren’t working realize they’ll continue to be wonderful mommas even if they stop. At least they read books and tried something for their child’s benefit…. others out there don’t. <3
It sounds like you did the right thing, and like you are a wonderful momma! Your son sounds lucky to have you as his mom
I didn’t have the time to read through all the responses, but what I did read offered some great points for me to think about, so thanks for sharing, everyone.
For me, AP is all about compassion, consciousness, conviction and solutions. What is my desire to give and my beliefs of what is best for my son? This love and these beliefs have led me to come up with some amazing solutions for us (I believe I’ve benefited immensely from meeting Pono’s needs) and a far greater love and acceptance of others around me with this new perspective of the relationship between nature and nurture- its laws and principles (how others were nurtured as children, their needs, my needs, my son’s needs). I’ve been able to overcome SO MANY of the boundaries and restrictions, excuses and weaknesses that so plagued me when I was not fully responsible for a miraculous and dependent little baby- though I fall short all the time! It’s a journey, for sure. I realized that I needed to love myself to love him and love him to love myself. I need to love my neighbor to love him/myself and love him/myself to love my neighbor. It has been one of the most beautiful journeys to CONNECT me to that crazy world out there- motivation to understand others and where they come from, their unique needs, temperament, preferences, just like our babies. I definitely agree with those saying that each has his own path and best/right answer! I do some of the attachment practices bc I am CONVICTED that they will be best for us both in the long run- sometimes I just go through the motions, sometimes I sacrifice temporary enjoyment. I don’t KNOW that these things are the BEST for Pono, but I have the desire to give it a shot. At the end of the day, it’s about whether WE feel at peace with how we nurture our children and ourselves- because we are the ones responsible to love our child for the rest of their lives, no matter who they become. I am so excited to get more experience with Attachment PRINCIPLES and learn more about child development, so, again, thank-you all for sharing your perspectives! Parenting is a huge overhaul of one’s life, especially if you haven’t spent a LOT of time with children, like myself before baby. From my perspective, living in the midwest right now, our culture does need some major changes, some leaders in that, and we are all going to have diff. paths- love the principles of AP and hope that they can help us all be more connected/unified/compassionate. There are just SO MANY elements involved in the way we nurture and set examples for our children of life. As adults, learning to love and heal ourselves is a big part too- I just imagine what the world would be like if there wasn’t such a barrier between the interests of children and adults- if power struggles needn’t be had over candy and tv etc. because unhealthy things/habits were never brought in the home or modeled by parents-true deep needs were met by priority. these are the major things I think about every day in my conscious parenting- it’s a confusing and distracting world out there! Love the openness and connecting gone on here. Much love!
I didn’t read ALL the comments above, but I have to say that we had a good experience. Before I had my daughter I planned to do the contented baby route by gina ford. When she was born I dove in full force with the schedule. The schedule was nice at first. It told me what to do at what time. Then I began to stress over times when the schedule didn’t work with our plan for that day or when she was hungry before the next feed. I then decided to use the schedule as a suggestion and just go with it. I often wore my daughter in a baby carrier because we are on the go type people and it was nice not to be bogged down by a stroller. My daughter slept in a cot next to our bed until she was 8 months. At that point we made a move from hawaii to London and due to all the travelling and different sleeping locations, she started sleeping in our bed. She did wake up a ton at night to nurse. Then i discovered Aware Baby (book) and slowly began to implement those principles…. I will say that she was waking up 3-5 times a night until she was 2. I got pregnant and she weaned from at least 8 feeds a day down to 2 (nap and bedtime) and she stopped waking up at night.
I find that Attachment parenting is really just a way of looking at the relationship with your child. You have to do what feels right for you. I’ve had a good experience but I have also done a hybrid of different parenting methods that work for my daughter and my family. I think that’s what it’s really all about. I learned early on that setting up restrictions and rules for your parenting never goes well.
At the risk of sounding like a real meanie, I had twins who are now 12 years old. Born by c-section (it was that or all three of us would die) and being prem and rather small, I spent the first three weeks doing the feeding when hungry thing, though NEVER the co-sleeping thing. My husband being a 6’3″ giant and the babies being 5 pound fragile wee bundles, co-sleeping never sounded like a good idea. There were two of them for goodness sake!
So, the babies were put down in the cot, (together, top and tail), and left to go to sleep. Well, that was the plan. After three weeks of no sleep, crying babies, crying mother and father on the brink of insanity, I finally turned to a plunket nurse, (plunket is a baby and child development service in New Zealand, been around for about 60 years).
I was desperate at this point, but what a relief when the nurse took one look at my son and said “this child is tired, too tired to eat properly and too tired to sleep. What time does he go to bed?”
What a question? “When he’s sleepy” I answered.
“My goodness! Who runs your house? You or the babies?” And that was the vital question I had to ask myself. Who really was in charge? Me, aged 26, educated and able to look after myself? Or two prem infants aged -1 week at this point, unaware they even had arms and unable to roll over?
She asked me if I’d been raised “on the clock”? I said yes, all kids were in the 70′s in NZ. She asked about my own mother, I said of course! She was one of six! And Gran? Yes, she was a clock baby too.
The nurse looked at me and said “Well, I can see it didn’t kill them !”
From that day on my babies were raised on the damn clock. They were fed every three hours. Fed, burped, changed, swaddled and back into bed. Then the other one was treated to the same efficient care. During the day there was kick time and cuddles and kisses, BUT they were up for an hour. That was it, ONE HOUR, then back to bed.
It took 24 hours to sort them out. Sometimes they’d cry a bit, but no much. They knocked off their own feeds in the night. At 9 weeks they slept form 10 to 5, by 12 weeks 7-6.
Both children grew well, are socially well adjusted, well ahead in there schooling and are pretty happy kids.
The point is, whatever parenting style you prefer you have to ask yourself “who’s in charge here?” and consider that making choices about baby care styles have to be choices about the WHOLE family, not just baby. What good is a mother on the edge? Dad going around the twist? A relationship that dissolves through lack of attention? Is the baby part of a family? The WHOLE family must be considered.
Human beings are adaptable creatures, we’ve had to be just to survive. Most of us were raised on the clock, and it didn’t kill us or make us axe murderers. Mum’s and Dad’s! Get a grip!
I love this! Well said! I have worked with families and children for over 20 years and have seen this dilemma many times. A baby needs to have a good full feed to have a feeling of a full and satisfied stomach. It can’t get that from snacking constantly. A baby can’t get the solid blocks of sleep it needs in order to meet the demands of its massive growth spurts when waking all the time to feed. A tired baby will not feed properly or sleep properly, I see that in my own 4 children. If we have been out all day and the children haven’t had their usual sleeps, people say “oh they will sleep well tonight”, but they don’t! They are difficult to settle and wake during the night and difficult to settle the next day. Hurray!! At last I am hearing some people with wisdom to use their head and not their emotions! you are so right when you point out what the nurse said about who is in charge, you or the baby. Why can’t people see that a newborn or child of any age does not know more about life than the adult. I have seen children fail to thrive because the mothers ‘instincts’ never kicked in. Some babies do not cry and seek nourishment and comfort when they need it, most do, but not all. Once again, I love what you have shred here with us.
Love this!
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I really appreciate your perspective on this, and I’m glad you found a “hybrid” form of AP that fits your family and keeps you all healthy and happy. But, I want to point out that THAT (fitting what works with your family while being mindful of your baby) is what attachment parenting is, not making sure you cosleep, babywear, etc. I like babywearing, when we are out and about for an entire day as a family. But, for everyday things, I simply can’t babywear all the time, for the same reasons you mentioned. I have back problems. The same with cosleeping. I love cosleeping, and I actually had the same issue when my 3rd son turned one and we wanted him to go to his own bed because it was no longer working. But, that’s what we did. We transferred him as gradually as possible to his own bed, something that would keep us all happy and healthy. It wasn’t tear-free. In fact, there were a lot of tears. The important thing was that we did it mindfully and with love, making sure he knew we were close and that we were there if we needed him. So, don’t discount attachment parenting. Sure, blame those who gave you false assumptions about it. But, you’re still a loving, attached parent. That’s what matters.
Can we then just call it Parenting? Period??
OH MY WORD! Thank you for this article…I am an older, ‘seasoned’ Mommy of 7 (6 are mine, 1 is a step) ranging in age from 23years-9 months and this is completely relevant to me. Not one of my babies ever slept through the night before 2 years old, no matter what I tried. My youngest is no exception…he is up AT LEAST 5-6 times every single night. Strictly for survival reasons, I have continued the co-sleeping because I could not get out of the bed that many times a night and survive. Like you, I also have major back problems (sciatica, back “goes out” all the time, extreme lower back weakness) that is only exacerbated by carrying my 20 + pound chunkster around. And like you mentioned about the morning dizziness, I realize the INCESSANT night-time nursing is literally sucking the life out of me. I wake up dizzy, exhausted, and feeling sick (and, to be quite honest, I seriously thought I might have some kind of disorder before I started thinking logically through the whole thing…I’m a registered nurse in the ER, so the fact that it took me awhile to clue in is quite dismaying!). But now I know I am just completely dehydrated and exhausted every single morning. This has to stop. I seriously dislike the whole “cry it out” idea, but I seriously dislike having not slept through the night for thte last 5 years even more. I am so exhausted some mornings I feel like I am going insane. I had 3 babies in 4 years (2008-2012) AND I work nights in the ER…something’s gotta give. Will work on this for the next week and see what happens.
Everyone has to find what works for them, but i suggest checking into the aware baby book. It’s not uncommon for 9 month olds to wake at night, but I understand that you don’t want them waking unnecessarily. The book talks about other reasons for night waking (being a build-up of stress) and how you can help them to release that stress and hopefully get some more sleep. I hate that you are having problems with dehydration and such. I slept with a nursing tank on and would sometimes not feed them when they woke and snuggle them back to sleep instead… It’s not crying it out if they are being held lovingly, arent hungry, and are comfy. Its hard the first week or so, but helped for me and my daughter. good luck.
Amazing how we managed to survive as a species without sleep training and contended little books? I hope that anyone that is into ‘sleep-training’ have done their research on what excess cortisol does to a baby’s body.
Hi Elli – Cortisol is not a problem unless it is elevated for extended periods of time as in the case of chronic stress. Crying during sleep training is nothing compared to the stress of being under-rested and miserably tired with strung-out parents who haven’t slept either day after day after day for years.
One should only practice AP, or any other parenting method for that matter, if it’s working for you and your children. If it’s not, then it’s not right for you. I practice almost all the points of AP and we’ve had some really hard times with sleep with our now 2 1/2 year old daughter. But so many other parents have had similar issues who are not practicing AP. I don’t think it’s right for AP proponents to make parents think “it’s all AP or nothing” and I also don’t agree with people who say that AP is evil. Just as so many comments before mine have said, AP helped SAVE their sanity and actually made for a more peaceful family. That being said, I think I’ll try a few things differently if we have another baby and have definitely learned some things with doing AP on our little girl. But looking back, I don’t regret the way we’ve chosen to parent and see how happily adjusted she is, secure in our love for her, and empathetic of others. Could that have been accomplished without AP? Maybe so. But we all have to choose the route that works best for us, and our child.
What a wonderfully written article – I’ve forwarded this to several of my girlfriends who were so relieved to hear about somebody else going through the exact same guilt/pressures that they had. I felt the same guilt myself with my last baby, and now pregnant with our second, I dread the “disapproval” from others over not baby-wearing, co-sleeping, etc all-of-the-time…
I have had an all to familiar experience as this one with my child. I’ve been researching this subject for a long time and the cry it out method just was not going to wok for our family. My boy is a year old now and finally i found the perfect method on about my millionth forum. http://drjaygordon.com/attachment/sleeppattern.html
Every forum I’ve seen just about is one extreme or another, but this is a good middle of the road approach. This is a good one for families who want to co sleep but want more sleep. I’ve only been doing this for about 2 weeks. He’s gone from waking 10 to sometimes even 15 times a night to waking on average about 2 times a night. I highly recommend this method for anyone wanting to co sleep.
I am late to reading this post but so grateful to have come across it. I am a mental health therapist and the mother of an 8 month old boy. I have to say the term “Attachment Parenting” has always bothered me. It seems to imply that those of us who raise our children in any way that strays from their prescribed method isn’t going to have a healthy attachment relationship with their child. In my work I sadly see many children who have serious issues related to attachment that have nothing to do with whether or not they were sleep trained or worn as babies. Attachment when it comes to childrearing is a much bigger issue, and I believe Dr. Sears has taken away from people’s real understanding of a serious issue by adopting that term for what is really just a philosophy about parenting. Personally, my baby just isn’t an “Attachment Parenting” style child. Although there were many parts of the “Attachment Parenting” philosophy I had hoped to adopt, they just didn’t work with my son. I was sadly unable to breastfeed despite all the best support and interventions, so I pumped and bottle fed. He didn’t sleep well in the co-sleeper, and began sleeping like a dream when we moved him to his own crib. And, the carrier – he is also off the charts for height and weight and he really just doesn’t like being strapped in to anything. But, he is incredibly outgoing, loving and bright despite all this, and yes we did have to do sleep training with him. He is just a dream.
All babies, children and families are so different. I am glad my training as a social worker taught me that there is no one method or prescription that works for all people or families, and that we are all the real experts in our own lives. Thank you for this post! and PS my son has those same knit booties your son is wearing in the photo and I adore them!
I think I’m doing this post right – it’s my first time to post on your website. I hope I’m posting on the blog about AP parenting!:) Anyways, this post mean a lot to me. I am a first-time mom and I have always wanted to experience having a baby, at least once. My baby was born with GERD and was placed on a feeding tube because of aspiration and reflux issues. She also has a hard time swallowing. I am a firm believer in nursing and was excited about the feeding aspect of parenting; it has really caused so much emotions for me and is very heartbreaking to not be able to comfort your own baby that way. I have been dealing with so much worry and guilt because I don’t get a lot of attachment opportunities. She feeds from a pump and does sleep through the night (she is almost 3 months). I do deal with a lot of crying but for so many possible reasons that its sometimes difficult to decipher why. I have always considered myself healthy until recently since I have discovered how awful the food in our grocery stores actually is. I can’t seem to stop blaming myself for her GI issues and reflux since everything I’ve been reading discusses how the way our food is presented to us now days causes these issues in our bodies and babies bodies.
Anyways thanks for the post – it helps me knowing that AP is a foolproof method and my child is doomed because I can’t breastfeed her. She also seems to prefer being left alone sometimes – although she does need to be held when she’s in pain. Usually at night she will cry and then go to sleep in her rock-in-play after a few minutes. She self soothes with a pacifier already. My husband and I deal with a lot of exhaustion still but probably not as bad as some. We still have to get up during the night to refill her pump and administer medicines.
So thanks again for the post!
*I meant AP isn’t a foolproof method – typo
I am very old fashioned about parenting. I raised my kids just as my mother raised me and my sisters. On the bottle. Both my children teethed early, common sense prevailing, teeth mean a child needs more than just breast milk or formula. At 4 months I put a cross cut in the nipple on the bottle and included rice cereal with the formula. No child who is hungry can possibly sleep through the night. My kids slept through the night by 4 months of age. I wouldn’t dream of risking my child’s life by having them sleep with me. They slept in a crib next to my bed until they were a few months old, then I moved them to the bedroom next to mine. I have heard it said babies should sleep on their backs, horse hocky I say. Placing a baby on its back and letting them spit up and have it go back down their throat and up their nose risking strangling is just plain stupid. I placed my babies slightly on one side with a rolled towel behind their backs and one in front, and rotated them from one side to the other periodically as they slept (so the soft skull would not go flat). My kids are healthy – yep both alive and well. We bonded just fine too. My kids also potty trained easily and never wet the bed. I’m 60 years old and don’t get what all the fuss is about.
With all the literature out there it’s hard to read them all, especially since my first child came nearly 8 years ago. The Baby Whisperer by Tracy Hogg greatly helped me with my first two. Now I have a hybrid going between AP and baby whispering with my third.
OMG Im tired just reading this. My baby was put in her own bed from the day she came home from the hospital. I wasnt able to nurse her cause I never had much milk. She was the healthiest baby while all my breast fed friends babies were constantly sick. Why would any parent put themselves through all of this.
My 7 month old daughter has two sets of “rules.” She cosleeps with us when I’m home, but if she’s with just daddy, at daycare, or has a babysitter, she has no issues going to sleep after a bottle of breastmilk, or napping in a pack and play. Will she do that with me? Nope. Never. She’s smart and knows when mommy is around, she gets to cuddle and cosleep, and when mommy isn’t around, she sleeps by herself. I tried baby wearing and really, really wanted to do it, but she hated it and cried almost every time she was in the carrier…I tried a Moby, an Ergo, and a Beco. She just did not like it. We may try some gentle, no-cry sleep training after she hits one year, but for now, our hybrid style of AP is working. Most of the time, everyone is rested and happy.
I’m so glad I had no clue what Attachment Parenting — or Babywise or any other “method” — was when my daughter was born. I spent much of my pregnancy reading pregnancy books and sort of forgot to study up on breastfeeding and parenting … oops! I assumed it’d just all come naturally, with some trial and error and many bumps along the road, course.
While, this *might* have been a detriment to me in the breastfeeding department as I floundered a bit in my lack of knowledge when my daughter was born with a tongue and lip tie, in general, it helped me to have a no-expectations approach to raising my little newborn. Don’t get me wrong, I had many moments of freaking out, doubting my abilities and wondering what in the world I was doing wrong, but I had no perfect parenting method selected so no idealistic standard looming over me and marking my failures. This was a blessing and allowed my to rely on prayer, to trust my God-given instincts and to seek advise from my friends — many who had birthed and raised four-plus children, gaining along the way the healthy realization that different kids need different things and that there is room for much grace in child rearing. Their counsel, encouragement, prayers and often hilarious anecdotes were worth gold in comparison to a one-size-fits all parenting technique.
I swaddled my daughter daughter from birth. She slept a five-hour stretch the first night in the hospital and maintained at least that stretch from then on. By about 9 wks she was sleeping 10 hours at a time. This, I assumed, was not due to my own accomplishments or my all-mighty parenting book, but because that’s the way God made her. I kept her in a bassinet by my bed most of the time until she outgrew it at three months, but on some nights, when I was particularly exhausted, she would spent time sleeping in bed with me after we both fell asleep during nursing. Sometimes she fell asleep while nursing, sometimes not, so I’d bounce or rock her to sleep. Sometimes she napped in her crib, sometimes in a swing, sometimes in a carrier while we were going for a walk. There was no hard, fast rule or judgment-loaded parenting dogma. Sometimes my little one didn’t nap for more than 15-20 minutes and screamed and cried and I cried, too, but we got through it. When she started rolling onto her tummy, I stopped swaddling her because that seemed to make sense. That’s also when it became hard to lay her down asleep, so I started laying her down awake because that seemed to make sense. After a few rough days, she embraced her new-found rolling skills and began sleeping soundly on her tummy.
I did take my pediatrician’s recommendations into account in , and I did end up researching many things on the internet and eventually ran across most all of the parenting and sleep training methods out there, but they became tools enable my parenting not straight jackets to enslave it. I’ve so thankful for that! My next child (God willing) will probably be totally different and the story of how I cope and parent will be unique and beautiful and hard and a rollercoaster all the same. At 9 months old, my daughter is doing great and, despite having many ups and downs and most mothers do, so am I! My girl is still breastfed and I plan to breastfeed as long as we see fit. I feel free of judgement from others around me who’ve done differently in their parenting or who raise an eyebrow because I know I have only one Judge, and as long as I’m raising my child under His counsel and to His glory, I have nothing to fear.
When I had my first child 19 years ago, AP was still largely unheard of. I was a single mom and had mymidwife, my Sears guide and pretty much just did as much as I could and as much as fit into my life at the time and my son grew up great and we are very close, but I feel like I did it in a bubble since there wasn’t really internet sites devoted to the topic of parenting, or millions of books, blogs, vlogs, etc. Flash forward to 4 years ago and I’m having my twins and again got my Sears guide but now there is this thing called the internet, and a million websites, books, magazines, etc. all trying to get you to do it their way while buying their products. Parenting today is waaaaaaaaaay harder than just 2 decades ago! Thankfully I have the perspective of my younger self so I parented my twins much the same way as my first. I did the best I could. I didn’t breast feed (tried but had issues), I did co-sleep, I wore them as much as made sense but also loved my stroller. I think the take away is to get some good information (but not too much), relax, listen to your baby, listen to your body, listen to your heart, trust yourself, DON’T COMPARE yourself to other parents, and just try and enjoy the process as much as you can because believe it or not, they grow fast and soon you’ll be sending them out into the world.
We have always done family centered parenting. The child is joining a family, a family where everyone has needs. I feel some APers view this as selfish and that unless your lives are miserable (sleepless, exhausted, sexless, wornout) because of your baby, you must not be connected to them. We are on #3 now and try to combine a variety of methods that promote peaceful lives for everyone. We used cry it out with #1 and less so with each. Not sure that #3 has ever cried it out. One of the most helpful things we started implementing was to keep trying methods, not just give up so easily. I find it fascinating when parents comment, “My child would absolutely not sleep without nursing through the night every 10 minutes, etc”. I think the AP method expects too little of children at their developmental ages. I also think very strict adherence to any one method and not listening to your inner-mother can damages everyone.
I have only witnessed very whiny, ill-behaved, center of the universe APed children (toddler and preschool aged) with exhausted parents and am always amazed this method is so popular. Having lived abroad, it is the method that seems to be most naturally accepted and conformed to. And yet it still puzzles me since all those children were completely indulged and entitled as well, with exhausted parents. Just because a method is so well adhered to, doesn’t mean it is “the best”.
To offer my two cents (I didn’t read all the posts as too numerous-so this may have been addressed). I have 3 sons born 21 months apart – a singleton and a set of fraternal sons. My husband and I embraced attachment parenting. I breastfed my boys until they weaned themselves, they toilet trained when they were ready, we had a family bed when the kids chose, they were never left to cry, they were never left with unfamiliar babysitters, etc. Now they are 24 and 23. They are the most respectful, delightful young people. They are very close, have never said one disrespectable thing to their Dad or myself. Their Dad and I have divorced but our kids are better adjusted than a lot of kids we know with two parents. Were we perfect parents – no – but we instilled faith in our kids that their security was important. They are doing well at University, have amazing long term girlfriends, work partime and are headed to be contributing members of society. Sorry for the long post but I feel very passionate about attachment parenting. It works. I would love to hear from anyone who has adult children who have been attachment parented or those interested in it aurareflections@hotmail.com
I am an AP mom by inistict, not by research. However, reading all of the comments on this post has turned me away from the AP community rather than towards. I do not understand the proponents of AP taking this article, which was written extremely well, as a personal attack.
I understand being passionate about your parenting style, but to attack another becuase of a different view is to do the opposite of AP parenting.
How are you going to teach your child compassion, if you have none for those different than you? How do you teach your child kindness and understanding of others if you attack those that are different from you?
Unfortunately, AP parenting has a bad rap with most people I know. It’s not the philosophy or information that causes the issue, but rather the parents who attack anyone who is different.
This makes me sad. Sad to see mothers attacking other mothers who are doing all they can to have a happy and serene home. Shame on you for making new moms feel that they aren’t good enough. If you doubt what I am saying, have someone read aloud your comments to you. Not an AP person, but a nuetral person so you can hear how you sound.
No one should attack a mom who is doing her darndest to make herself and her child happy. If you don’t want to co-sleep, breastfeed or baby wear, so what? Do what is best for you, and please do not judge all of us AP parents out here due to the rude ones.
I am glad you found the mix of patenting styles that worked for you! I do somethings that would be considered in the area of AP, like extended nursing and baby wearing. But I have always made my bed, my bed. My husband is a sleep walker so having my baby’s in my Bed would have been a safety issue. My kids nurse to sleep. I sleep trained my first but not my second. I feel like I got rid of the idea of “what I should do as a mom with my second.” I enjoyed your post!
Hi. Thank you for writing this! I felt the same way when I started because I thought AP was a list of rigid rules that I had to follow. Many of my AP mommas are all or nothing types and it was very hard to keep up. I was exhausted. And then an awesome momma introduced me to AP international. I realized I was missing the 8th principle to AP and probably the most important. strive for balance! It should really be first! AP is a philosophy of child rearing that focuses on attachment. An exhausted painful momma can’t be fully present to attach. I am sorry you had such a bad experience with what should have been precious memories.
AP is 8 simple guidelines…. Prepare for childbirth and parenting, Feed with love and respect, respond with sensitivity, use nurturing touch, ensure safe sleep both physically and emotionally, provide constant and loving care, practice positive discipline, strive for balance….. how you accomplish that is a deeply personal thing and is directly related to your circumstances and personality and you baby’s needs and temperament. It’s about looking deep inside yourself and identifying how you can be nurturing and present with your child. Co-sleeping is how some parents address #5. It’s not the only option. sleeping with baby in the room, or with a monitor in their own room are all still options. Perhaps daddy cuddles with baby to sleep in the rocker and transfers them into a crib in their own room and they use a monitor to respond to babies needs at night.
I feel like you, I consider the years when my kids were small “The Lost Years” I carried the first full time for the first 6 months, dh didn’t get it about co sleeping so she was in a different room mostly crying for me most of the night. I slept while holding my baby in a cushy arm chair. A LOT. She is now a mostly happy peacesful 13 yo. But still sleeps terribly.
The second one I only carried when we were out of the house, Nursed for 2 years. I night weaned at about 22 months. It was so easy that when we gradually weaned completely 2 months later it was painless. She is a bit more dramatic but sleeps like a rock. She was nudged from the family bed at about 4 and today is my best sleeper.
My third I nightweaned at 10 months but I coslept with him till he was about 2. Weaned him at 2 when he started biting for entertainment. This one has and has always had a sunny sweet happy helpful personality. Most of the time.
Bottom line, I understand the sleep trainers way better now. If I had to do it all again, Idk if I would do it all the same!!!???
Here’s a plan for gentle nightweaning including if you wish to continue with the family bed. He recommends 10 months at the absolute earliest.
Thank you so much for writing this! I am the mother of a 4.8 year old ( breastfed until 26 months) and a 20 month old ( still breastfeeding/ co-”sleeping”/not sleeping at all ) . I have to say that in my heart I am all for AP but for me it has be a complete disaster for our family. In my heart and mind it seems that it should be the way but we have suffered for years as a result and in my desperation I am going to have to sleep train my son.
My 20 month old weighs 15kg, he rarely naps and at night cannot sleep more that 2 hours without waking. On an average night of 8 hours in bed he wakes every 45 min to 1 hour and takes 15 min to 30 min to return to “sleep”. He would like to nurse without limit all night. He has an extremely nutrient rich, processed food free diet, spends most of each day outdoors, no media stimulation,super healthy and he is an adorable great big crier. He wants to be nonstop carried, has to be nursed to sleep and screams and cries mommy mommy mommy if I try to shower, pee or cook.
Honestly it was the same with my daughter until I stopped breastfeeding her at 2.2years and she starting sleeping through the night.
My son is suuuper attached to me, its nice but my objective is to help him to be healthy, happy, confident and independant and what I have created looks more like an unhappy, unfulfilled, overly attached, nervous boy who NEEDS his mama. I still cant bring myself to let him cry it out at night. I am trying to slowly pull away and its extremely difficult for both.
I dont know that I could have done it any differently but I can say from experience that in my case attachment parenting gave me two extremely attached kids.
I share this because I find comfort in hearing other peoples eperiences and so I like to share.
My children have some extraordinary qualities and are wonderful children and I would like to think that some of the AP sleepless nights and physical exhertion contributed also to their finer qualities
I know that LLL and Doc Sears and all the followers like to consider themselves the absolute most righteously attached parents and children, but honestly, I could do certain parts at certain times and I still considered my self to be an attachment parenter. Most people are not perfect, they most likely are not being totally honest even with themselves. The title of the article might be a hair sensationalistic. I doubt the author really ditched AP completely.
I have to say, this sounds almost identical with my story, except happily I changed parenting styles before ruining my back. I didn’t know what to do, and the attachment parenting sounded normal. My mom co-slept with all of my siblings, so that’s what was normal in my family. But when little Amelia was a couple months old, she started hating the carriers, waking up every time I moved, and nursing nonstop all night. I had really bad post-partum depression, so something had to give. sleep deprivation was only making me worse. So, at 5 1/2 months we sleep trained. It broke my heart, but it was one the best things I’ve done. She needed sleep, but most of all she needed a mom who didn’t want to kill herself. Sleep deprivation was pushing me to the edge of sanity, and in the end I needed to do what was best for the whole family.
Hi there,
I was just wondering if you could clarify how you separated the sleep scheduling from the feeding schedules in the CLB routines? I just finished the book and it seems like the two are pretty dependent on each other, so I’m curious exactly what you did! I too did AP practices extensively with my first and I can’t stand the thought of reverting to that sleep deprived, physically and mentally exhausted state again (I’m due in 3 months). CLB sleep routines do seem like a gentle way to introduce a routine early with little crying, so I’m going to give it a try.
I have the exact same question!!! Bfing is extremely important to me and going through the book, I have a hard time imagining how you didi this… any insights would be great!
Dang, as I read this I kept thinking, “talk about dogma and legalism!” Dr. Dears is the first to say in many of his writings that it’s NOT about rules, its about connection. That looks different for every family. I wish people wouldn’t get so obsessed with the “rules” and just enjoy being attentive, bonded, connected parents.
When my daughter was born 7 years ago I didn’t even know what AP was. I was determined to breastfeed although we had issues but had never considered sleeping with her. Until…we had our first 3 hours of solid sleep together at 2 months old. Yes, you read that right. My first 3 hours of solid sleep after her birth took 2 months to happen and only did because we fell asleep nursing on the bed together. After that, I devoured all the info I could find. I had already read every sleep book out there but all of a sudden a new world opened up and I found it was OK to sleep to with her, OK to keep her close, wear her for naps, do what I needed to do.
This was great and all but like you, I became exhausted. My daughter was a very high-needs baby who likely had reflux and possibly even milk protein issues. I know better now but at the time, had no clue. She would not sleep without me and so my evenings were spent with her lying on her boppy asleep with me until it was time for me to go to bed. As she reached a year old, I began being able to lay down with her and then sneak away…if I was lucky. My husband and I had next to no time together and our marriage suffered for it.
I toyed with sleep training around 8 months old. Can’t remember the name of the book now but it was an involved method where you don’t leave them alone to cry. You remove yourself gradually from the room over time. I felt somewhat OK with that option but without any support, couldn’t bring myself to execute it. I had AP mommy guilt.
Long story short, my daughter slept with me until she was 5 years old and nursed until 4.5. In retrospect, for my own sanity, I should have sleep trained. I should have stopped nursing when it began to feel ‘icky’ (around age 3), I should have moved her out of my room because I knew she was ready earlier than 5. There were extenuating circumstances mind you (I ended up separating from my husband when she was 3.5) but I should have listened to my gut. Isn’t that what parenting is all about anyway? If we stopped reading books, and just did what our instincts told us to do we would be happy well adjusted parents and our kids would be as well.
I love my child but I didn’t love her early years. I believe my experience with AP actually impeded my attachment to her. I was so tired, depressed, withdrawn and in turn emotionally unavailable to her that we didn’t bond the way we could have. We are very physically close to this day, lots of cuddles and snuggles but there is something missing. I feel traumatized by her early years. What parent should feel this way?
Thank you for this article. My friends all do AP and I feel a lot of pressure to follow their lead, but it just doesn’t work for our family. thank you for showing me that I’m not the only one uncomfortable with AP style parenting in the natrual living realm : )
Emily, this post is amazing. I believe everyone should do what is best for THEM! I had feelings of guilt for not co-sleeping, but I couldn’t sleep with my son in the bed, and neither could he. We also had to fuss it out at about 16 mths old since he started waking up more than 2x a night. I felt judged by the AP community, and while I believe in extended nursing and babywearing and home-birthing — every parent needs to decide what’s right for themselves! New follower and I love your blog!!